[Hello friends, please enjoy this cheerful British voice. Wheatley sounds especially cheerful today. What could he possibly be so happy about?]

So! I'm pretty sure Rick is--Rick is dead, which is great news, if you knew him. Went down to the bunkers, last I heard, didn't come back. Probably a good indication that he is--that he is, in fact, dead.

[Oh.]

It's all right, it's all right, go ahead, breathe that sigh of relief, no one's--no one's going to judge you, trust me, we all felt the same way about that tosser.

But, uh, if you were friends with him, for some ungodly reason that I can't possibly fathom, I'm, ah. Sorry for your loss. If you didn't know him, well, let's just say you're better off. Good riddance to bad rubbish, if you ask me.

Heyya ladies and germs, looks like the end of the semester's comin' to an end. Finals come and grades go, your truly of course has nothing but excellent grades, mwuahaha! Anyhow, more prom questions I guess, but is the usual routine the same or do I have to bring somethin' to shield myself?

Oh, I almost forgot about somethin'- y'see, one of our resident hardass gave me the opportunity to have freedom expression like, oh I dunno, a radio shows. I don't really know how much you guys tune in buuut just so ya guys know, I'm still accepting submissions.

[What could that possible mean.]

( private to Shantae )

[Joel is on screen, looking about as happy as he ever does. But there seems to be a few black smears on his face, like soot.]

Lotta folks havin' troubles with these little bugs it seems like.

Not that I'm encouraging you kids to burn the place down? But they go up real good.

I got a flamethrower I can bring around to help out if anyone's got it really bad. But if you've got a lighter and a can of hairspray, that'd work just as well.

[Weaponry you can make in the comfort of your own home!]

Just make sure to have a fire extinguisher on hand.

...and be careful.

[SO THIS POST SHOULD HAVE IDEALLY GONE UP like a few weeks ago--maybe this is backdated maybe there was a time anomaly maybe I'm a bum maybe he was sick and got better then got sick all over again--whatever doesn't matter: POINT BEING... Here is a video of a scruffy blonde man with bright green eyes that upon very close inspection have decidedly rectangular pupils. You probably aren't looking at that minute detail though since the general state of this man looks very obviously ill. He has bags under his eyes, a faint sheen of sweat on his brow, and snot running down his pinkish-red nose. His voice is rasped and stuffy but that's okay he's going to pretend like nothing is wrong.]

HEY EVVE. [There's a long sniff as he tames some nasal drippage with the back of his shirt sleeve. Rick that's gross.] I tallied up the score and I'm pretty sure I got you beat. You can ask everyone I kissed over the holidays for proof.

Based on our previous--[Hold on he's gotta sneeze. Sneeze he does and he makes absolutely no effort to cover it. Rick that's gross.]--'scuse me. Our previous arrangements I believe that means you owe me a whatever I want.

[While very pleased with himself, the feed tapers off with Rick coughing up a huge wad of phlegm and spitting it off screen. Rick that's gross.

Yes that's right. Everyone Rick (or Ishimaru for that matter) kissed... or touched whatever he might have touched... you might want check yourself for some sweet sweet mono or wintertime ick. It's going around.]

[Jolt was doing some checking into Kalos, what with the big trip coming up, and in the process learned something incredible. So incredible that he just had to share it.]

GUYS. GUYS. GUYS.

GUYS.

RESEARCHERS FOUND A NEW EEVEE EVOLUTION!!!

[On the feed currently is one nun in full-blown battle armor. Her face looks a bit on the stern side, but she seems happy, more or less. At least she's wearing a good-natured smiled.]

Some of you may already know me, but to those of you who don't, hello! My name is Sister Helga Wilhelmina, but you all may call me "Sister Hel" or just "Sister" if you prefer. In addition to donating some of my time to helping Rhys in the infirmary, I will also be teaching Physical Education! I hope all of you are ready to work hard, because we don't accept slackers in my class. Sloth is a sin!

[At the word sin, Sister Hel's expression turns a bit more serious. Her smile is gone, replaced with a cold sternness. The kind of sternness that always means LECTURE TIME.]

Ah! And speaking of sin, that brings me to the next thing I wanted to discuss! I'm sure you've all noticed the doughnuts that have begone to run...er...float rampant around our lovely school! Most of you no doubt are enjoying them, but need I remind you all that gluttony is a sin? Besides! If you eat to much you will get sick, and as one of the school nurses I'm afraid I simply cannot let that happen! Your health is my top priority as a teacher, a nurse, and a nun. As such, any doughnut I find floating will be reduced to ash within seconds! It shouldn't take long at all for things to return back to normal, hahahahaha!

[And just to prove it, she points her mace in the direction of one floating doughnut near her and blasts it with a laser, thus...reducing it to ash instantly. Just like she said.

Wow.

The feed ends shortly after that, but Sister Hel can indeed be found around the school, blasting rogue doughnuts to oblivion. Feel free to contact her before or after that happens via the network, or just stumble across it actually happening.]

[Were you having a nice, quiet morning, Smash Academy? Well, you're not anymore, because at some ungodly hour only utilized by people who wake up at balls o' clock to work out, a shriek comes over the network.]

EVERYBODY NEEDS TO WAKE UP RIGHT NOW.

IT'S RAINING DONUTS.

[That's it, that's the post.]

[Hello school, here is a new student. Said student doesn't realize he had his video option and looks contemplating on screen as he type up a post.]

No wait, that's not good.

[He scrunched up his face and deleted the text by pressing the backspace button long enough to create a momentum of silence. Only for it to be rather quickly followed by another rhythm of indecisive typing.

And then he deleted again to type up another post.

And again for one more time.

It'll stop soon, really.

Okay, he seems to be satisfied, judging from the look on his face.]

is this place any close to a town called mikage-cho

[YEAH THAT'S REALLY IT.]

[Between nonsense like underpants-related frame-ups and yakuza conspiracies and the annual stresses of an approaching school year, a certain someone is a little on edge. He's always pretty high strung but if you're really observant you might be able to tell that he is slightly more so today.]

The beginning of a new school year is almost upon us! I have been here long enough now to know exactly what is wrong with this academy, and this is the year changes will finally be brought about... But no one man can do it alone! That's why the Disciplinary Committee is recruiting once again!

We'll need those who value order and justice and, above all else, a strong work ethic! It will be a difficult journey, but let's do our best to create the ideal environment to encourage everyone to bring out their full potential as well! Only those who would take it seriously need apply!

On that note... We will also be needing a new faculty advisor! [THAT'S RIGHT BOWSER HE IS SICK OF YOUR SHIT.] The position is open immediately!

[And then, as a side note:] By the way, if any students have not chosen their courses yet, be sure to take care of that as soon as possible.

Everyone, let's turn this school around!

( A note to Hope's Peak transfers, hackable. )

Another spate of transformations. How strange is it that such things have become mundane.

No matter. Those who have found themselves changed, report to me for study. I wish to isolate on a molecular level how these changes are possible. For that purpose I will be using the laboratory. Alert me as to when you are able to meet there. If you are unable to for any reason, I will come to you; however I do not accept embarassment or things akin to it as legitimate reasons.

[ The video starts, revealing Chili in his dorm room, only he does not look entirely like himself. His hand recoils from the touchpad on his laptop; the fan of his computer is loud enough for it to be heard whirring as background noise to the video. It is so hot in that dorm room. So hot that it can even be seen. That's probably because the boy right there is kind of on fire. ]

Hey! Okay, I can't be on here for very long, but does anyone know what's going on?! I mean to everyone, really, but... Also, does anyone know what's going on with me?! I can't figure out what I'm turning into!

[ Chili pants a little with a sheepish smile, showing off some sharp teeth. He knocks that off right away because wow, he is not a dog, he is a human. R..ight. Definitely not turning into anything that is a dog. ]

Can I make this go away? I can't touch my laptop for more than necessary because even touching it melts the plastic. I feel like every part of me is on fire and it hurts so bad, I don't know what's going on! I just want to go back to normal! Even Pansear can't stand being around me for too long.

[ Upon hearing his name, Pansear hops up onto the desk and sits next to the camera and waits to help Chili click buttons or whatever he needs. ] And I have the worst headache in the world, nngh... Okay, well that's all. I'll try to reply on my phone when I get out of here. ...Without melting it.

( But first, a narration! )


To all students and staff afflicted with growing animal parts:

It has come to my attention that there is a common problem sweeping through the school. I can't tell you how many patients I have come in with complaints about growing tailbones or sprouting feathers and the like, so if you are starting to notice these bizarre symptoms, please be aware that you are not alone in your suffering! Even I am beginning to notice startling changes in my bodily composition. I'm trying to figure out if I can pinpoint a commonality between those with this problem so we can get to the root of it, but in the meantime, please hang tight!

Never fear. I'm sure we will come up with a solution eventually. We always do, right?

((OOC: If you would like action, please feel free to hit up this post and come see Rhys about your problems! Or just see Rhys. Whichever!))

[ Chili waves. Hello! He appears cheerful today. ]

Hi everyone! Summer break's just started, huh?! Congratulations again to the graduates out there. You made it! I hope everyone had a great time at prom, too!

So what are your plans after all of that studying? You know, summer break! Same goes for you teachers. What are you all going to do this summer?

[ HE HAS SOMETHING ELSE HE WANTS TO TALK ABOUT THOUGH you can see it in the way he's practically bouncing up and down right about now. ]

Guess what else?! Today's Cress's birthday!! That also means it's my birthday, since we're triplets. We're 17 this year, and we're going to make it a year more brilliant than the rest! [ He pumps a fist. ] You can count on that!

Hey Cress! You should come by to see me. I'm gonna be with Pansear outside in the sun since it's a nice day out today, so come find me! I have something for you.

Hi, all. Cammy White here. Just wanted to take a quick poll:


... How many of the students (and faculty) here would be interested in a steam room? I was thinking about bringing it up to the administration, thanks to Voile. If other people were interested.

Look, we all know this FDC riots business is bullshit. No one needs me tossin' my two cents in, but unfortunately, I feel the need to. All the fuckin' Pokemon trainers on this campus better keep a close eye on their Pokemon, humanized or not. Take it from someone who knows, you don't want to be sitting there, lamenting the fact that you were too late to stop something from happening.

It's not a good feeling.

I know my own can take care of themselves, but it's not stopping me. Bulba, Char, Jolt, Nyx. If you wanna go to the city at any time, I'm coming with you. I don't give a shit, we're going together. Not a single one of you looks especially human, so that's that.

A casual Monday outing turned tragic when two men were brutally gunned down in front of Malo's Gun and Ammunition mart. The victims; Kaplan Stridehr and Marple Dethrris were found dead with a single Aperture-Brand Resolution Pellet to the head. A third victim, Hendorff Ditherrs, was found at the scene asphyxiated to death. All three of the victims regularly donated community service hours to the FLUDD orphanage and were cherished by their grieving families.

The murder suspects, Kiyotaka Ishimaru, Vivan Johnson, and Rick Johnson, all attend Smash Academy and have been interrogated at least once by the FDCPD. Rick has been hospitalized for the time being with life-threatening injuries, though his condition is stable. He will be questioned when he regains consciousness. It's unclear if his injuries were inflicted in self-defense, or by the other two Smash Academy students in the middle of the attack.

The Smash Academy students claim they were the ones who acted in self defense, but FDCPD has not reached a clear verdict yet to a very messy and terrible situation.

"It's not completely clear this was in self defense." says the police chief. "If you're not looking to kill, you don't put a bullet in someone's head."

Several eye witnesses to the attack also claim the smaller student, Vivian, was the one who open fired and murdered the victims, unprovoked. All three are on juvenile preemptive probation until further investigations are finished. It should be worth noting, again, these were non-human students of Smash Academy, a fighting school that accepts many different kinds of unnatural, humanoid creatures. They could still be considered dangerous despite the probation. Aperture Science is also being questioned for product deficiency, but has not returned any of our calls.

[Lakitu, an unnatural, humanoid turtle man, shuffles the papers on his desk and prepares for the next, possibly vaguely related news story.]

An abandoned church on the east side of the city was mysteriously engulfed in flames last night. Fire accelerants were noted in the area, suggesting that this was no accident. It's uncertain if this incident is related to the gun attack, but non-human terrorists are suspected given the target. If you have any important clues or tips to report, please call the FDCPD immediately.

It's truly terrible this historic building has been reduced to tinder and ashes. Residents are outraged and are calling for Martial law. Mayor Tabuu is taking this into consideration with rising rates of violence and crime, but states he is not likely to come to a decision or see any action result for a least a month, especially given the complicated nature of FDC. Martial law would necessitate the need for an outsourced, contracted military, and the Mayor wants to ensure he has the best for the job.

---

[video]

[Seth appears on video, close up and fiddling with the camera before settling in his seat, a grim expression on his face.]

In case you weren't aware about a certain fiasco that happened between Mary and Vianca a while ago, a new development has recently come to my attention, and I for one am ashamed. Shame on you!

Honestly, she's just a child and didn't know any better. That's no reason for anyone to go antagonize and bully her! I want to think better of our student body.

You're all so quick to turn a blind eye when that murderous swordsman returned to campus. You hardly bat an eyelash at knowing there's at least three new and different murder suspects residing right here! Have any of you even seen the news lately? They're right here, living amongst you all--murderers as your very neighbors. But the moment a naive little girl does something she didn't even know was wrong you ostracize her unfairly. I don't want to name names but you know who you are.

Everyone's double standards here are truly unsettling. You should all think on your sins.

[Ahem. He clears his throat and adjusts his collar, as if to clear out all that ~undignified emotional outpouring~]

Anyway, I apologize if any of that came across as harsh or blunt, and Mary's poor name shouldn't be dragged through the mud any longer. Mary has all my condolences, I wish her the best and above all that this doesn't happen again. That was a while ago anyway--old news. She should know better by now.

I'll see to it personally.

Star systems on.

[A fresh and excited, dark-skinned, pink-haired woman appears on the screen.]

Greetings, all. I’m your new Battle Tactics instructor, Nova.

Little background about me, I guess. I’m the Queen of Lesbionica. That’s ruler of a goddamn planet. So don’t...mess [she wiggles her fingers] with me... Fair warning.

I’ve been wanting to go here since I was a little girl. Never got the chance. To be honest, I’m really glad I’m here. [She smiles a little, but her expression turns stern.]

Now, out of curosity, how many of you have handled a lasgun? I’m afraid I’m dealing with all beginners, here... [She looks off-screen at something, then her camera shuts off, abruptly and strangely.]

[ Well someone looks grumpy this morning. In fact, Chili doesn't look like he got much sleep, but he's wearing his uniform and ready to head off to class. Maybe it's time to make a network post before he heads off, though... ]

Hey! Who the hell was making all that noise last night, huh?!

It kept me up all night. Some of us have classes to go to and training to do, you know. So stop being so loud!

[ He pauses for a moment, but then looks at the feed with a bit more of a positive expression gracing his features. ]

Oh, hey! Tomorrow's Valentine's Day, right? Does anyone here have any special plans to spend with a special someone? Hahaha! Seriously, I'd like to know!

[ Yeah, okay, he's smiling now. He clearly doesn't know about Cupid Bots. But who could blame him? He has not yet experienced a very Smash-y Valentine's Day. ]