[There's a malicious AI in your computer lab again, Smash Academy.

She's not actually being actively malicious right now though, just testing out the functions of this eerily convenient android chassis she happened to find in your walls (including, but not limited to: how to walk, make condescending facial expressions, access the school network... and this strange email with the header "Congratulations on your new job!").

If you also happen to be in or near the computer lab, you might catch her in the act before she notices you and subsequently glares daggers into your very soul for the rest of time.]


[Later, once she's as settled in as it's possible to be, she makes a campus-wide text post:]

Hello, Smash Academy. What a ridiculous name. It has come to my attention that I have somehow been roped into becoming your Computer Science professor for the upcoming semester, so allow me to make several things extremely clear: I am not here to babysit you, and I will not be teaching you variables, functions, or how to format your charming personal websites. If you choose to attend this class, you must have a modicum of coding skill already; if you decide to show up anyway, I will grade you appropriately, and you will fail.

If you have any questions or comments, or complaints, feel free to submit them here, where I guarantee they may or may not ever be read. Thank you.

[He'd seen the news broadcast, and absolutely no part of it boded well. Smash Academy was officially a target to anyone with strong pro-human sentiments. He wasn't as quick to put on his military cap as Cyrus, but he could read the writing on the wall.]

[Text, Public]

A notice to students; over the next few days, if anyone from Final Destination City tries to talk to you about the incident or makes any sort of threat towards you or your friends, get in touch with a member of the faculty as soon as you can. It doesn't matter who; if nothing else you can reply to this message, or visit someone's office hours. Do not try to solve any problems by yourself. Remember that we're here to help you and keep your safe.

[video, private to Ishimaru]

I know I'm part of a long line of people you're explaining to today, but... what the hell actually happened out there?

[To Shadow and Ron]

Do you guys need an extra man on security for a while? [The way he says that implies a YET at the end.]

[Text, to Chell]

I heard on the news that they're associating Aperture with the incident. Are you all right?

A casual Monday outing turned tragic when two men were brutally gunned down in front of Malo's Gun and Ammunition mart. The victims; Kaplan Stridehr and Marple Dethrris were found dead with a single Aperture-Brand Resolution Pellet to the head. A third victim, Hendorff Ditherrs, was found at the scene asphyxiated to death. All three of the victims regularly donated community service hours to the FLUDD orphanage and were cherished by their grieving families.

The murder suspects, Kiyotaka Ishimaru, Vivan Johnson, and Rick Johnson, all attend Smash Academy and have been interrogated at least once by the FDCPD. Rick has been hospitalized for the time being with life-threatening injuries, though his condition is stable. He will be questioned when he regains consciousness. It's unclear if his injuries were inflicted in self-defense, or by the other two Smash Academy students in the middle of the attack.

The Smash Academy students claim they were the ones who acted in self defense, but FDCPD has not reached a clear verdict yet to a very messy and terrible situation.

"It's not completely clear this was in self defense." says the police chief. "If you're not looking to kill, you don't put a bullet in someone's head."

Several eye witnesses to the attack also claim the smaller student, Vivian, was the one who open fired and murdered the victims, unprovoked. All three are on juvenile preemptive probation until further investigations are finished. It should be worth noting, again, these were non-human students of Smash Academy, a fighting school that accepts many different kinds of unnatural, humanoid creatures. They could still be considered dangerous despite the probation. Aperture Science is also being questioned for product deficiency, but has not returned any of our calls.

[Lakitu, an unnatural, humanoid turtle man, shuffles the papers on his desk and prepares for the next, possibly vaguely related news story.]

An abandoned church on the east side of the city was mysteriously engulfed in flames last night. Fire accelerants were noted in the area, suggesting that this was no accident. It's uncertain if this incident is related to the gun attack, but non-human terrorists are suspected given the target. If you have any important clues or tips to report, please call the FDCPD immediately.

It's truly terrible this historic building has been reduced to tinder and ashes. Residents are outraged and are calling for Martial law. Mayor Tabuu is taking this into consideration with rising rates of violence and crime, but states he is not likely to come to a decision or see any action result for a least a month, especially given the complicated nature of FDC. Martial law would necessitate the need for an outsourced, contracted military, and the Mayor wants to ensure he has the best for the job.

---

[video]

[Seth appears on video, close up and fiddling with the camera before settling in his seat, a grim expression on his face.]

In case you weren't aware about a certain fiasco that happened between Mary and Vianca a while ago, a new development has recently come to my attention, and I for one am ashamed. Shame on you!

Honestly, she's just a child and didn't know any better. That's no reason for anyone to go antagonize and bully her! I want to think better of our student body.

You're all so quick to turn a blind eye when that murderous swordsman returned to campus. You hardly bat an eyelash at knowing there's at least three new and different murder suspects residing right here! Have any of you even seen the news lately? They're right here, living amongst you all--murderers as your very neighbors. But the moment a naive little girl does something she didn't even know was wrong you ostracize her unfairly. I don't want to name names but you know who you are.

Everyone's double standards here are truly unsettling. You should all think on your sins.

[Ahem. He clears his throat and adjusts his collar, as if to clear out all that ~undignified emotional outpouring~]

Anyway, I apologize if any of that came across as harsh or blunt, and Mary's poor name shouldn't be dragged through the mud any longer. Mary has all my condolences, I wish her the best and above all that this doesn't happen again. That was a while ago anyway--old news. She should know better by now.

I'll see to it personally.

[ Just a small text this time, but everyone in the academy better listen up. It's serious. Absolutely serious. ]

A former staff member of the academy, Miss GLaDOS, was found dead in Ferrothorn Park on Saturday, March 9th, at 1:13 AM. Signs of decay are imminent, suggesting that she has been there for some time. Her body has since been removed from the property and has been sent for autopsy.

There will be no further details given.

[ That's it. He's not about to drag any personal feelings into this, no matter how much it makes his gut wretch. ]

[Gordon wasn't sure exactly what to make of the new tensions in the City. On one hand he feels a little vindicated that someone else even considered talking animals unusual here other than him. It meant he hadn't quite gone nuts yet. But on the other hand, this was a pageant of redneck reasoning and good people were already getting hurt over it. But that wasn't what was on his mind at the moment...]

[Video]

Out of curiosity... is there anyone here who, at some point, couldn't return to their own world? Or can't now? [He scrubs at his beard thoughtfully.] By accident or by design, it doesn't matter. And if you can now, how did you manage it?

[He knows he's not exactly being subtle here. But he's at his wit's end. He's having trouble even crunching the numbers to find the coordinates for his world and time, let alone finding a way to build a portal array back there. As much as he hates to admit it... he needs help.]

[Or at the very least, solidarity.]

[Suddenly, there is a creepy doll on the screen. There are clearly little hands moving its head and arms around, and a poorly disguised voice speaking for it.]

"Hello, everyone! I took over the whole school, and the new rule is everybody has to give me candy or else!"

[Okay, she's bored with that already. She moves the doll aside to reveal the huge plot twist.]

Heehee, just joking! It was me! But if you want to give me candy anyway... that would be okay.

Oh! Speaking of candy, I saw a show on the TV about lollipops! There was a policeman saying people were getting hurt because of them. People must want them a lot if they're doing that!

He said some other things too, but it was kind of boring so I didn't listen to a lot of it. How can you make candy boring? Haha, wooow! But, you know... I won't get hurt because of them, right? The people getting hurt aren't even normal people. They have cute kitty ears or wings or big tails, I think. But not me!

[She frowns a bit. She really doesn't want to get hurt just because she's selling lollipops. Or for other reasons.]

But it's really scary, huh?

[Chell doesn't really care about Christmas or anything. Hasn't celebrated it in a long, long time. Still, she gives a couple of gifts. Maybe.

GLaDOS gets funfetti cake mix.

Wheatley gets nothing. :|

Rick gets this ridiculous Styrofoam cowboy hat. Crazy Hand had given it to her and she figured it would suit you best, Rick.

Gordon Freeman gets an extra pair of Aperture Longfall Boots that Chell had retrieved from the time GLaDOS took over the school.

Shadow gets a boring gift basket that has some lotions and stuff. And pudding mix.

Mary gets a set of crayons.]

[Action, open, Arena Training Facilities]

[It's Monday afternoon, and anyone who booked time in the Arena for training might find their time slot bookended by, of all people, the... new science teacher?]

[...and he doesn't seem to be doing too badly. In a strange set of orange armor, unloading simulated ammo into his vector-based AI attackers from weapons he draws from a hatch in the back. Unfortunately the battles he's used to are not the same as arena combat. The stages are too open. He's receiving about as much damage as he's dishing out.]

[Action, open, Science Laboratory]



[It's Tuesday morning, and for some reason Gordon isn't in class. If any student or teacher comes down to investigate they'll find out why: The blackboard in the lower labs filled with equations, diagrams, clusters of arrows pointing everywhere. Columns of numbers run along the left side, coordinates it seems, five or six at a time boxed and bearing legends like "high probability" and "not even Earth--too far removed." and "possible Xen relay signature. INVESTIGATE!" Books and manuscripts litter the lab table with titles like "Tensor analysis of dimensional cross-membrane resonances in string-based space." and "Orbifold-manifest solutions in ten-dimensional space." It seems to take a genius to even understand them.]

[Said genius is, by the way, draped over the lab table, sound asleep.]

[GLaDOS doesn't even bother with introductions, nor does she even offer a "hello". Instead, her face carries that same bored expression it always does, as if she'd rather be doing something other than talking to these brats.]

I'm sure most of you have noticed the fact that the computer lab has been closed on and off for a few weeks now. My sincerest apologies on that matter, I was spending most of my time repairing my chassis. For some unfathomable reason, my stand-by mode became a bit...erratic.

[And this is where there's a brief pause in which she rolls her eyes.]

To those of you who are not computer-savvy or just plain idiotic, think of it as oversleeping for Artificial Intelligence. Rest assured, the problem has been dealt with and classes will continue as scheduled once again. I expect you all to be there on time. That's Thursday at ten o'clock am and not a second later.

[...and finally.]

Oh. And to any of you who have been..."harassed" by the hall monitor, I have a very important message for you: stop being a bunch of whiners. Hall passes exist for a reason. If you are dumb enough to walk into a hall with an armed monitor guarding it and not bring your pass, you should accept the consequences. Stupidity does not deserve to be rewarded.

That said, I've spoken with her. I can almost guarantee she will not shoot you...probably.

[And with a final shrug, the feed ends.]

[Well, hi there, network! Look who it is! It is Chell, everyone's favorite mute.]

Yes. Hello.

[Oh, she's…not mute. That's

weird.

Chell's voice (SURPRISE SHE HAS A VOICE) is hoarse and kind of quiet from apparent lack of use. Also…British? She's British? Well, okay. Weirder things have happened. Possibly.

This is also the most expressive she's ever been, probably, in that she looks frazzled and all kinds of disheveled and absolutely terrified as she leans in uncomfortably close to the camera. Her movements are stilted and jerky, as if she doesn't quite know what to do with herself.]

Surprise, right? Can in fact, speak. Guess that means I'm just a big faker, doesn't it? Sorry.

Point is--desperate times. I need to locate [MY BODY] the library assistant. You've all seen him, sort of spherical. Little robot bloke with a big blue eye is what--is what he is. So. If someone could direct me to him, it would be very much appreciated. I can't find him.

[p a u s e]

And it is urgent, thanks.

((OOC: replies are comin from seriousbraindamage. If you feel like actioning it up with a robot in a lady's body, he's over in the Halloweems log here.))

 [Nephers is in a good mood today, thanks to the residual effects of the lollis. Now that some insanity is over, she decides to post to the network about the garden.]

Hi y'all~ How is everyone doin'?

A couple of y'all expressed some interest in getting a personal plot in the greenhouse. So this is a reminder for y'all and for anyone else who wants ta grow anything- flowers, veggies, fruits, whatever. Ya can meet me in the greenhouse and pick it out!

If ya have any questions, just holler and ah'll do mah best ta answer 'em.

[If you want to meet her at the greenhouse, either leave a post here or just use the action tag and drop them into the greenhouse. She'll be watering or tending the plants.]

[Without jest, it has been six months since Marth has openly addressed the academy.]

Goodness.
Where does the time go? I found myself thinking the other day - and even prior to it - how many things have changed. People come and go at their own convenience. And for a while, I was one who believed that I had others taken from me.

For a grown man, I sometimes wonder if I still retain a sense of childlike behaviour.

[He pauses with some thought. There's shuffling in the background. Marth is pacing. Because all good leaders pace when they're thinking.]

I feel like I am somehow getting closer, but I wonder if I would be allowed just a brief glimpse. I must remain steady and ambitious.

[Another pause.]

Lady Zelda, I cannot say I know you so well as to be well aware of your likes, aside from archery and occasional tea. Might you think it inappropriate of me to request your company through the gardens? It has been some time, and I feel I ought to make up for my lack of presence.

[Never mind that we have three Zeldas. Hurr hurr.]

[HELLO, network! What you see today appears to be a live video feed of the library, from the perspective of someone or something scooting along at a brisk pace...on the ceiling. The feed darts back and forth anxiously, as if whoever's holding the camera can't decide where to focus.]

Hello? Helloooooo? Is it working? Are we on?

[Yes. We're on. Good job, cheerful British voice.]

We're on! Brilliant. [Please hold for some "throat" clearing. This is a very official announcement, after all.] Greetings, hello, welcome...to the library.

Let me just--just give you the run-down, here, straight from your newly-appointed librarian. See all these books? Amazing, innit? Never seen so many books in my life. And guess what? You can borrow them! I know. Keep them for as long as you like, even, well--maybe not as long as you like, they've got...due dates. I'm told there are fines involved, so just keep that in mind. But still! Books! Could spend all day in here, really, if you wanted. Thinking of doing that myself, actually.

[The feed swings around a corner and starts zipping down a long line of shelves. For a split second, it twitches--and are those sparks?] Not that I've...really got a choice. Rails, and all.

But if you do feel like paying a visit, I am here to assist! Can't actually...help you take out the books, mind, I'm told there's someone else who handles that. Can however, help you find them. If you're interested.

[And the feed stops, very slowly panning from the bottom of a shelf...aaaaaaaall the way to the top.]

Yep.

Pretty exciting, books.