[There's a malicious AI in your computer lab again, Smash Academy.

She's not actually being actively malicious right now though, just testing out the functions of this eerily convenient android chassis she happened to find in your walls (including, but not limited to: how to walk, make condescending facial expressions, access the school network... and this strange email with the header "Congratulations on your new job!").

If you also happen to be in or near the computer lab, you might catch her in the act before she notices you and subsequently glares daggers into your very soul for the rest of time.]


[Later, once she's as settled in as it's possible to be, she makes a campus-wide text post:]

Hello, Smash Academy. What a ridiculous name. It has come to my attention that I have somehow been roped into becoming your Computer Science professor for the upcoming semester, so allow me to make several things extremely clear: I am not here to babysit you, and I will not be teaching you variables, functions, or how to format your charming personal websites. If you choose to attend this class, you must have a modicum of coding skill already; if you decide to show up anyway, I will grade you appropriately, and you will fail.

If you have any questions or comments, or complaints, feel free to submit them here, where I guarantee they may or may not ever be read. Thank you.

[Not much preamble to the video.]

Happy New Year.

I got a piece of paper I need studied - I wanna know where it came from, who's touched it and pretty much anything else about it that might be unusual including whether it's been handled by a ghost or some other undead type person. Handwriting expert could be useful too because I wanna see if it matches the writing of someone who was on campus. Methods scientific or occult or a little column A and a little column B - Don't care. Just need results. I'm willing to pay.

( ACTION! Chose your own adventure. )

[GLaDOS doesn't even bother with introductions, nor does she even offer a "hello". Instead, her face carries that same bored expression it always does, as if she'd rather be doing something other than talking to these brats.]

I'm sure most of you have noticed the fact that the computer lab has been closed on and off for a few weeks now. My sincerest apologies on that matter, I was spending most of my time repairing my chassis. For some unfathomable reason, my stand-by mode became a bit...erratic.

[And this is where there's a brief pause in which she rolls her eyes.]

To those of you who are not computer-savvy or just plain idiotic, think of it as oversleeping for Artificial Intelligence. Rest assured, the problem has been dealt with and classes will continue as scheduled once again. I expect you all to be there on time. That's Thursday at ten o'clock am and not a second later.

[...and finally.]

Oh. And to any of you who have been..."harassed" by the hall monitor, I have a very important message for you: stop being a bunch of whiners. Hall passes exist for a reason. If you are dumb enough to walk into a hall with an armed monitor guarding it and not bring your pass, you should accept the consequences. Stupidity does not deserve to be rewarded.

That said, I've spoken with her. I can almost guarantee she will not shoot you...probably.

[And with a final shrug, the feed ends.]

THEY GAVE AWAY MY JOB!! AGAIN!!!

WELL AT LEAST IT WASN'T A TOTAL LOSS.

Everyone in auto shop, GO TAKE YOUR IGNORANCE OVER TO ONE CAPTAIN FALCON.

I will now be teaching DEMOLITIONS!!

[ When the video feed flickers to life, it's about what you'd expect. Some new person here at the academy is making it a point to stare into the depths of your soul before proper introductions are to be had. Because yes, staring. Yes, this is good. This is exactly what needed to be done.

You could opt to stare into an empty gaze and a simple smile, or perhaps just lean away from the screen once you notice the extra hole neatly hollowed out into her chest, a vertical array of stitches cutting right down the center of if from throat to breast. Embedded was what looked like a red orb of glass with a black knick at the center of it.

Now that a kind of figurative eye contact had been established, she parted her lips to speak.

Waaaait for it. They're opening. They're open. ... Okay, give her another second.

OKAY. She has this. ]

Hello, Academy.

I will guard your halls.

[ As if that wasn't odd enough, maybe the restrained giggle and rise of an automatic pistol into the camera's sights would do her justice. ]

;;

[ As for action, Vivian will be doing just as she said she would. She's roaming the halls of the main building, her pistol in hand and skipping around in a fluttering white dress, the top potion of it mostly bandages that could stand to cover more of her up. She looks rather content to be able to move around, though on occasion she will stop and just stare around a corner and down a hall.

Creepy. ]

[The video shows a rather small, frail-looking brunette. Goodness, this one looks rather tiny that you'd think it's a middle schooler.]

Um... H-hello, my name is Chihiro Fujisaki, nice to meet you all. I'm still in my first year of high school.

Oh, a-and... um... i-if anyone needs an extra help on computers, you can ask me if you'd like. Ehehehe...

[Before the feed ends, you can see Chihiro smiling rather shyly at the end.]

[ A challenger shiny new bike approaches!

If one looks around in the parking lot at just about any given time, there is a nice motorcycle parked, locked, and chained, absolutely and positively secured. At other times, the bike is not unattended, accompanied by a black hedgehog either preparing to take off with it or just wiping it down with a microfiber cloth, looking to keep its sheen.

During those times, Shadow seems particularly pleased. Accomplished. Why, yes, this is his pretty new motorbike that he spent a lot of time saving up for. It's not customized internally as much as he wanted it to be, but it will be tinkered with in due time to run like a champion.

Dare to bother him or his cute little hedgie-sized motorcycle? ]

(( the only thing i ask is to please not vandalize the bike without asking first, and even then, i might not be okay with it! ;w; just as a fair warning. however, touching it and doing stuff that won't damage it permanently is fine! even sleeping on it, should you enjoy that. ))

[The voice the entirety of the campus will hear is loud, very Boston, and very angry.]

YO! What's this crap all about? I already went t'school -- I ain't a college man! I got all the skills I'll ever need.

[He sighs.]

I don't know what this 'final destination' crap is but I don't like the sound'a it. I mean -- I'm used t'bein' told I'm gonna die or whatever, and I always make it out alright since I'm so freakin' fast and all, but I don't think I'm likin' the sound'a this.

Uh, so ... REDs! Doc! Fat-Man! Mumbles, Hardhat, Snipes, Spy, Demo, Soldier ... anyone around? I mean I know yer all old as shit 'n everythin' but Ma always told me yer never too old for college so maybe some'a you guys are here? Hopefully.

As for everyone else! Name's Scout. I'm the fastest man alive 'n if ya don't wanna hear it then I welcome ya to race me! I'm also real freakin' awesome at baseball, no joke. I'm always up for a game.

I'm also single, so babes, feel free t'meet me 'round my dorm: [Pause, sound of papers rustling as he looks for something with his address.] BE-16.

Guess that's it! Catch ya later!

[Since Rick has been back from his unannounced "vacation"--having spent the past two weeks on the bottom of a dirty floor--he was eager to get his Adventuring Legs back up and operational.

...Figuratively speaking, of course. Management rails were explored with renewed fervor. Rick had a lot to catch up on after all, and everyone had been missing his rugged manly good looks, certainly. Especially the lady types. GLaDOS was no exception in his mind, especially since he knew where her secret underground lair was. The video feed clicks on long after he's penetrated the deepest and darkest part of her sanctum, and Rick narrates in a hushed (read: only moderately quieter than he normally speaks) voice.]

I'll tell you, few men venture down here into her lair. You wanna' know why? Dark, dangerous, big and--shh, shh.

[The ceiling-view creeps forward, GLaDOS's mammoth lair coming into view. She's tucked away in the back part of it, a little side-room.]

Here, we observe the female in her natural habitat. She's gorgeous, a real beauty. Wild and untamed like a tank-mounted machine gun, or a... wait...

[ZOOMING IN... there is a tiny little creature near her; whitish gray with yellow eyes. GLaDOS stood at the back of the chamber, peering down at the small creature, a chao, with a look of disappointment. A hand was at her forehead as she massaged her temples. Finally, she sighed, letting her arm fall back down to her side as she glared creature one last time.]

Alright, look. This isn't that difficult. In fact, you should have no problems with this because I'm the one doing most the work. All you need to do is keep up your part while I conduct.

Now, let's take it from the top. Alright?

[To that, the chao nodded.]

Good, good. Now, let's begin.

[At that moment, several turrets around the AI turned on. She pulled out a conducting baton from her coat, expanded its length, then began waving it. The turrets moved their sides in reply, making their own odd beat. Once it was the little chao's turn, it began singing in time to the music. All in all, it should sound similar to this. A few moments of it pass before Rick comments again.]

She's with offspring. Lots of them. Buncha' cute ones and some kinda' blobbly big-headed reject baby thing.

[Is... is GLaDOS...? That melody is oddly entrancing. Like a Siren Song. Rick dumbly creeps forward to get a better look, into plain and open view.]

What is that thing? Must be the runt of the litter.

[The sound of another's voice causes GLaDOS to freeze up. With her baton no longer moving, the turrets no longer continue playing their music and her chao stops along with them. She slowly turns her head towards Rick, obviously TRYING to hold her anger down but failing miserably at it.]

...you've been recording this entire ordeal, haven't you?

[Did that baton just snap in her hands? ...oh this isn't gonna end well. The ceiling-camera doesn't answer immediately, because the obvious answer is yes, view darting left and right before focusing back at the deadly robowoman. Dangerous, indeed..]

Quick! [BACKING UP but the camera view seems to succeed only in quickly backing up in tight, concentric circles.] Abort mission! She's fiercely territorial with her babies. Motherly instinct and all that. Could rip the arms off a man with just her teeth.

...Man, I am so turned on right now.

elp

nayday msyfay

wiher is otacock ineed im

send hlp compotrn labbb



[Dear God what even is it. What a horribly garbled piece of shit message. Who the hell would even write that. What the balls is an otacock. Who is that weirdass blue-haired girl wandering around the hallways when she isn't perched in the computer lab? WEIRD. THIS IS ALL WEIRD.

BUT WAIT ANOTHER MESSAGE POPS UP LATER:]


da fuc s wrpng qith the walls gsiugfo



[[PS Permission Post!]]

[It's been a few days since GLaDOS showed her face around the school. It wasn't, however, because she was afraid of retaliation, because she wasn't. No, it was because she was far too embarrassed at her loss. However, when all was said and done she had to show up again some how....once her pride was ready for it, of course.

I guess it was ready for it today.]

Well, I'm back. Sorry it took so long, I was busy pulling myself back together again and picking out leftover pieces of shrapnel from my chassis. So yes, thanks for that.

[Sarcasm mode is active, as always.]

At any rate, I suppose congratulations are in order. You all preformed admirably while solving my tests, so go pat yourselves on the back or whatever it is you all do.

[There's a brief pause as she...visibly hesitates, something that she's never done before.]

...also...

[A sigh...she can't believe she's about to say this fucking Caroline...]

I'm...sor-

[...]

Sorr...

[...it genuinely looks like she's having a hard time saying it, not just faking it either. Finally, after about a minute, she says it.]

Sorry. There, I said it. Don't expect me to say it again.

[On the screen you will see a well-groomed boy with the most unorthodox hair texture you have ever seen. Seaweed? Tentacles? Noodles? You're grasping for a way to describe it, but can't seem to figure out how it's supposed to qualify as hair. He is sitting at his desk with poise, ready to greet the recipients of this video graciously.]

Good evening. Allow me to formally introduce myself. My name is Cress, and I will be attending Smash Academy with the sophomores this coming fall. It is a sincere pleasure meeting so many fresh faces before the term starts.

I come from Striaton City in Unova, where I upheld the position of gym leader with my siblings. As they content themselves with specializing in fire and grass types, magnificent water types are my preference. Despite the responsibility expected of such a position, there is still much room for improvement on my part. Nonetheless, I assure you will find Cress to be the most formidable challenge of us three. While studying abroad, I aspire to enrich myself with brand new experiences during my stay. Already there have been quite a few...

[He just lets that statement trail off into nothing. This isn't the place he would particularly like to talk about it. Luckily, he doesn't have to say a word.]

Some of you may also be acquainted with my hot-headed brother, Chili. If his attitude has gotten out of hand around you, allow me to apologize for him. He tends to be easy to 'ignite', I think is a good way to put it. [His smile has changed from cordial to amused.] He can't seem to help it sometimes.

Well, that should be enough of an introduction. I could always complain about the... changes made to the interior design of this place, but we've all had quite enough of that across the network, I'm sure. Why, it's clogged full of complaints! [You only get a peek at just how vitriolic his feelings toward Aperture High are. It sounds like he took a bite out of a bitter apple when he talks about it. He's hiding a whole bushel full of them behind his voice.]

Hello again everyone, this is Ms. GLaDOS. To those of you who are new and did not have the pleasure of being in my class, I am the computer teacher in this...fine academy.

[How did she say that with a straight face?]

At any rate, it's been a while since we last spoke, but I've been terribly busy. As such, I couldn't bother wasting my time with such trivial affairs as this. Luckily, I've finished my work so I can take a bit time off to address my students. Since you all mean so much to me, I've decided to host a summer class for Computers 101. That being said, I would like to be able to get into the more complex aspects of computers. Ergo, if you are uninformed in them, I strongly suggest taking up the summer class.

I'm not going to be babying anyone here, so don't expect handouts. You want to learn? Pay attention. That is all.

[PRIVATE TO CAVE JOHNSON]

Sir, the project you requested has been completed. Feel free to stop by my office to pick it up at any time.

[ACTION; BACKDATED TO EARLIER IN THE WEEK; sometime very early in the morning, surely as you, the diligent student are well-rested from a night of intense studying, or you, the hardworking teacher, are well-prepared for the last week of school and the finals you are sure to give, or perhaps you, the under-appreciated faculty member is dreaming of your next paycheck...

CRASH BANG BOOM!

--no, whatever sleep you hoped to get tonight is RUINED by the thunderous sounds of something falling out of the sky and crashing in the parking lot.

Someone's car is surely ruined, evident by the smoldering crater and... is that metal sphere in the middle?

Care to investigate, or go back to sleep?]

---

[VIDEO; Assuming someone kind and considerate or the FORCES THAT BE oranges magnets eventually got him to one of those mysterious suddenly-appearing-all-over-campus management rails, Rick makes short work of acquainting himself with the school's network. Plug n' go technology, just the way he likes it.]

This thing on?

[The video feed scrolls around a random Smash Academy hallway, blipping on and off--it appears to be a literal first-person view of the mysterious, manly, somewhat digital sounding voice speaking. And they seem to be currently located somewhere on the ceiling.]

There we go. Name's Rick. I'm an Adventure Sphere, designed for danger. Just came back from a space adventure. You know, space: final frontier and all. Full of fire and blood thirsty space pirates. Took out twenty dozen of them single-handily while I was up there.

Tell you what though, this hallway is not in any state of exciting or dangerous. What do you guys (and lady types) do for fun around here, huh?

[ In one of the student activities rooms, the video feed opens to a very pleasant smile. The young lady carefully places the device down and steadies it just right before clasping her hands behind her back and taking a few steps backwards so that she's seen properly from waist up. There's a very feminine and harmless look to her. ]

Hello students and staff of Smash Academy. My name is Miss Caroline and I come to your lovely school as a representative of Aperture Science Innovators. I am honored to announce that I will be joining the faculty as your new choir teacher.

[ Formal intro over, she relaxes a little and clasps her hands in front of her with a loud clap. ]

Now, you may be wondering how choir could possibly aid you as a combatant. Besides a new appreciation for music and the human instrument, you will leave my class with a better understanding of breathing and breath control. Proper breathing in combination with core muscle control should help you stretch the length of and make the most of every breath you take in the arena. Singing can also be very relaxing and may help you relieve stress and aid your concentration in other areas of your academics.

[ That said, Caroline slips from the frame and soon comes back in with a vinyl record and a small shy grin. ]

Of course, I would love to demonstrate for all of you my own ability. I present to you 'Lascia Ch'io Pianga.' Please, enjoy.

[ She's gone from the frame for just long enough to place the record and start the player. When the song begins, Caroline takes a deep breath before filling the room with a sweet and gentle voice. It's a simple and short song, yet still shows great skill. Once the song ends, she offers the camera a smile and takes a few steps forward. ]

An official class time hasn't been decided on just yet, but I hope you will consider it. Oh, and I would like to offer myself as a math and science tutor as well, if you find you need a little help. I look forward to meeting all of you and thank you for your time.