Dahling, we can't wait any longer.

We have to do it!

We have to do it right away!

[You don't get any more context.]

Yeah okay so, I realize the moon's fallin' down and everything's crazy and somebody stole some masks, but whoever's sendin' a bunch of cheapass robots all over the volcano needs to let up with the cheapass robots. They get in my forge, I gotta bap 'em, a little... rabbit or squirrel or puppy pops out... and then I got all of this extra broken robot junk just lyin' around and all of these tiny animals hangin' around all happy that they ain't inside of a robot no more. I'm tryin' to make extra weapons in case of, you know, more giant monster attack things.

Just keep your puppy-powered robots out of my stuff.

[It's a phone video from Sonny Moe! He waves at the camera.]

So! I was saving money to buy a car this year! But then, I thought, maybe that money could be used for something better. Something to help cheer everyone up, maybe? Because I know people are scared of the moon and stuff, even though King Bowser's going to have that all under control! So, I was like, what will make everyone happier? Then I remembered it's after Halloween, sooooo...

[And lo, he swivels the camera around to show a MOUNTAIN of candy sitting in an unused classroom.]



Yeah, you guessed it! I spent pretty much my life savings on super discounted Halloween candy to share with you all! I'm in the old Algebra classroom because I thought maybe it was time something fun happened in there! Come and get whatever you like!

OK, bye!!

Hey, so did you know that they make powdered alcohol?

They do.

Did you know that it sort of looks like protein powder if you ain't paying attention?

It does.

Did you know that in all the explosions and monsters and everything that I found some and thought it was protein powder and made a shake for myself and drank it down real fast and then after I drank it realize it was booze?

Because that happened.

I just. I just need to tell you all that I believe in you and that we're gonna get through this and me and Slowpoke are gonna be here for you and we love you and I got this really great idea for a giant gun that Slowpoke I love you too you're real great and the. The. Thing. I love the thing. Tanks. I love tanks. And workin' out. And THESE GUNS, YOOOOOO! I love tanks and working out and these guns and Slowpoke. And you.

How do I unwrite this? Unwrite. Unwrite. Unwrite. It doesn't post if I say post

Hey! So, my application t'become a TA got approved. Guess that means I'll be here in a more bein'-bossed-around-by-teachers capacity. Lets me stick around though. That's good enough for me.

It seemed like a good idea t'sign up with one of Professor Birch's research programs on the side - y'know, get sent a Pokedex, gather data on Pokemon habitats, compile reports t'send back. 'Course, that was before all the animals around here started headin' for the hills...

Has anyone seen any wildlife still hangin' around here at all?

...Oh, and if anyone wants t'take these spare Pokeballs I got off my hands, feel free. For whatever good it'll do you, now that there's nothin' to catch.

So there used to be a pokemon who lived in the volcano, yeah? Named Pele or somethin'?

Is she, uh, back? Or is there some other pokemon in the volcano makin' things noisy? My forge is on the side of the volcano and, uh, it's been sorta noisy out there for the last couple of days. You know, volcano sounds. The sorta sounds volcanos make. Rumbles. Little shakes. Volcano stuff.

I ain't fireproof or nothin', or I'd go in to check it out, unless somebody can make me fireproof with magic? So, what I'm sayin' is, I need somebody to make me fireproof with magic so I can see what's goin' on in there.

This ain't an invitation to turn me into a pokemon again. Nah, if I type that somebody'll think it's funny and turn me into a pokemon again. End up as a fire pig thing this time. That girl had one who used to be here, he looked pretty cool, had like a big iron breastplate. I'd better delete that. Wait. Oh crud, how do I turn this voice software thing off? Uh. Computer, stop. Stop doing the thing. Computer, stop typing. Computer no. Computer, knock it off. I guess just, delete it with the button. Backspace. Maybe stop talkin' to the computer and sayin' what I do. Yeah.

Okay now let's just hit post, SHEET NOT AGAIN.

( R U READY, BRO? )
Feel free to ask questions/react in the comments.

[The video feed shows Gordon, in his favorite SMASH ACADEMICS t-shirt. Behind him is the technicolor orange, green and white of an athletics track behind him. That's funny. Isn't the field house covered in snow right now? Anyway, he looks like he's just run a marathon, or at least a pretty ambitious 100-meter dash.]

I thought I'd officially announce that I've re-instigated a track and field team here at the Academy. [And breathe, and,] You're looking at the head coach, in fact. [And huff, and,] For those of you who don't know what that is, track and field is a sport that combines small competitions in running, jumping and throwing. Tryouts are after school Monday, for any students who are interested and have the aptitude. All right computer, end simulation!

[The last four words cause the world around him to scatter like a corrupted video file and wink out of existence, revealing one of the arena's holographic platforms.]

Due to the cold, we'll be practicing in the arena. Oh, and anyone interested in cross-country running would also come see me at the same time. I don't know if we'll get enough to make a team, but it's worth a shot.

[First comes a video. It's Sonny Moe. You can see that he's been eating pies. There's a couple of pie tins sitting there with a few crumbs in them. Also, he may have a few stray crumbs in his stubble.]

I really love October! Can you believe that some places have sale priced pumpkin pies already!? I bought a whole bunch if anyone wants one! You might want to speak up quickly, though - I can't guarantee they will last very long!

So, anyway, Halloween is this month too. I know it's kind of early to be thinking about it, but does anyone already know what they're going to dress up as? I'm not sure, yet. Maybe a Ninja Squirtle guy.

I think that's all! Bye!
( Action stuff under cut! )

[Lo! Somewhere in the library is some student of Smash Academy at the public computers, making a post to the network and probably asking about homecoming dance or something. Somewhere in the library off screen there is a barking voice, obviously annoyed and sounds suspiciously like Captain Falcon.]

Keep it down with your stupid video diary, I'm trying to think!

[S-Sorry, coach! The kid says, then goes on to timidly explain that it's not a video diary, but a post to the school's network! The kid looks back at the recording video apologetically while "coach" can be heard muttering off-screen.]

Network? For the school? So everyone can see what you're doing right now?

[...Yeah? This appears to have sealed the nameless student's fate, and suddenly there is the torso of a man in bright red spandex with ridiculous thighs behind him. The kid is grabbed by the scruff of his shirt collar and violently thrown clear across the room into a bookshelf. The shelf teeters backwards then falls into the next shelf behind it, and then the one behind it, and it's a magnificent domino effect to which does not seem to concern him. If anything he seems proud of the fact there are now books are everywhere and the kid probably has a word concussion. Red spandex coach-sound-alike sits down in front of the computer. He is also a coach-look-alike! Only EVIL LOOKING. It's probably skull on his helmet and the spikes on his shoulder pauldron. Or maybe Falcon is going through some midlife crisis and felt like a wardrobe change and got lost in a Hot Topic. Or it's some crazy clone.]

Hi. [Either way, this coach also has fangs, which are easily seen the moment he starts speaking.]

I know you're here. I saw the your shitmobile in the parking lot. Or, you know, was in the parking lot. [He grins. It's an awful fang-filled kind of grin. WHAT DID HE DO... HE DID SOMETHING BAD.] And the big floating hand said so. I'm going to find you eventually, so why don't you make this easy and come out of hiding. I'm not going anywhere until then!

Hey, anyone know where I can get a good meal 'round here? Cafeteria's great, don't get me wrong but I've been living off rations for the past week. [Ian starts pulling MRE wrappers out of his pockets and holding them up for the video] They sorta get old quickly, you know?

Anyway, I'd kill for a decent meal, [Ian pats his stomach and tries to look pathetic and starved. Maybe someone will take pity on him and cook for him.] if anyone's offering. I'll make it up to you somehow.

[Ian leans in like he's ready to stop the video and then stops like he suddenly remembered something.]

Oh and by the way--! I'll be replacing all of the locks on the storage rooms, so they can be unlocked from the interior. For, erm, safety concerns.

( And lo, a little red guy with clown shoes descended from the heavens... )


[There's a new video on the Network.

The first twenty five seconds of it are some kind of black, triangular nose on the end of a peachy colored snout. It moves around and the microphone stutters and wheezes and whoever this nose belongs to can be heard muttering something unintelligible.

Then, a violet eye stares into the feed, blinks several times with a big, red eyelid. Then he draws back so you can see his Echidna-ey face in its full glory.]

First off, I ain't wearing this uniform thing. I was hatched with fur. It's good enough for me, it should be good enough for you.

Uh... anyway. I'm Knuckles. Knuckles the Echidna.

Hmmm...

[He's sort of run out of things to say. He has questions, but he's not really used to talking to a computer. He's used to smashing them to gain extra lives and shields and stuff.]

Anyone know anythin' about the Floating Island above this school? It's kinda important. If you've got info on it, I'd like to know.

So. Thanks in advance.

[You are now treated to over a minute of closeup footage of his white-swooshed chest as he tries to figure out how to turn the computer off.]

In case you see a blonde guy with four arms walkin' around don't worry it's just me. Max.

I guess I turned into a Machamp overnight? I woke up with four arms. And blond hair. And I can turn into a Machamp.

Slowpoke says he could take me, but I think I could put up a pretty good fight.

I gotta think more carefully about how I grab for stuff and type. That'll take some gettin' used to.

So anyway. I got four arms now. Just felt I should tell you guys. I'll be fine.

I bet I can shoulder press like, a whole snorlax. I wonder if I can blacksmith better. Probably lots of advantages to havin' more arms.

Don't worry, I'm still gonna do everything I normally do. Blacksmith in the morning and weight trainin' for anybody that needs it, me included. So, yeah. Just, you know. Like regular.

It's like Christmas and my birthday and winning a war all rolled up into one.

Hello, one and all! I'm Randall Ascot and I will be joining you at the start of the next school year here at Smash Academy. It's... [ THERE'S SO MUCH WEIRD SHIT AROUND HERE. ] Certainly been interesting thus far!

However there is something I urge you to look over before we continue, hm?

( you knew this was coming )

::The video feed turns on. It's clearly coming from Max's account, but there's no Max pictured on the video. Instead, there is a slowpoke on the screen.::



::Five minutes of Slowpoke staring into the camera passes.::
( Did you keep watching, or did you stop? If you kept watching... )

[Sonny, frankly, looks like death warmed up.]

Guys. Don't eat them. Oh Arceus. Don't eat them.

[He takes a deep breath and figures he should try and explain a little better. Hopefully he can keep his composure long enough to do that.]

The little purple things. They're not grape flavored. I checked. Some were in my little kettle when I went to make myself some cocoa and I was kind of sleepy so wasn't really thinking about it and I drank a cup full of them and....

[Oops. Nope. There he goes. Falling over and knocking his keyboard and mouse off the desk as he makes a mad hands and knees dash for the rest room. The video feed keeps running until he manages to stagger back and turn it off some three or four minutes later.

This has been a Public Service Announcement provided by Sonny Moe Snorlax. To repeat: Do not eat the crazy little purple shadow bugs. They gonna mess you up. And they are not, I repeat not, grape flavored.]

Listen, I know I wasn't around to see the thing, but I heard somebody played some sorta bad joke on one of the guys from the weight room earlier with the school TVs. That sorta thing ain't right. Hijackin' school property and makin' fun of somebody like that. If you got a problem with somebody, find some less of a ... dick move way to deal with it. Kid's got good drive and dedication, puts his time in, tries to help other guys out. I don't know what he did before comin' here, but I learned that you gotta give everybody a chance to show that they're better than they used to be.

So, just lay off on playin' awful jokes like whatever it was. It ain't right. And if I find out that whoever did it is on football or weight trainin', you got me to answer for.

Blah blah blah, good kid, puts in his time in the weight room, blah blah blah, that sort of thing ain't right, blah blah blah, if you got problems work them out yourself, blah blah, don't hijack school property, blah blah blah, I'm Max, blah blah blah, standing up for smaller people is what I do, blah.

[Here's a guy who doesn't look at all comfortable at a computer. But he's managed to set himself up with a video post anyway. Because that might be better, should Ellie somehow come across it.]

Look, I never took the brown acid, OK? So I got no idea why a giant hand would tell me I'm teaching carpentry at this school. Wood shop. Whatever. Maybe I've finally gone nuts...

[A pause. Beard stroking pause. Glaring at the camera pause.]

Look, I gotta get back to where I'm from. Nice to see somewhere in the world hasn't been overrun by infected or hunters yet. Y'all have a nice set up here. But I need to find a way back to where I'm supposed to be. I got people relyin' on me, OK? Anyone can help me out with that, I'd be somewhat obliged.

....Ellie, you happen to see this, let me know. I'm in the teachers dorms.