Hello!

[It's library robot! He's in his chassis today, seated in front of the video feed, looking about as cheerful as a giant eyeball can look.]

Got a--got a small favor to ask, a, uh, a request, as it were. If anyone is interested in. Fulfilling a request. I've got this chassis, see? Very useful, very--very nice for walking around, doing things that involve hands without having to be a squishy human. Quite enjoy having it, like it even better when it's functional.

[With that, he sets a metal leg on the desk with a resounding thunk. It's intact, but it's an entire leg. The giant eyeball looks slightly less cheerful.]

Had it torn off, you see. Red Coach did it, if anyone--anyone was wondering. D'you hear that, Red Coach? Now everyone knows you trashed the library and tore off my leg and beat me with it, you psychopath. And now I'm getting it fixed, so there.

[Cough.]

Point is, if any of you have some kind of--kind of experience with robotics, you know, fancy fixing a leg, I would. I'd appreciate it. Sort of difficult, hobbling about everywhere. You know--you know how it is.

[Yeah so this list is pretty late, but Sonny got his gifts to people on time, notwithstanding.]

( Gifts for Max, Sable, Kiyotaka, Blood Falcon, Ike, Midna, Blue, Jock, Voile, Green, Pidge, Bulba, Char, Jolt, Alorah, Vinnie, Vivian, Little Mac, Shantae, Bowser and Madotsuki, or 'Madsgee' as the card reads.  )

[And should you want to Action with the Snorlax, he can be found doing all his usual things all over the place.]

[Black Shadow does not appear in public without his costume, no matter how much it looks like the school network has been invading by sketchy fetish spam. He sits with his arms folded in front of the camera, like he's sizing up everyone watching it. He clears his throat.]

...Greetings Smash Acadamy. My name is Black Shadow and you may know me as a world famous F-Zero racer and the revered Emperor of Evil! HAHAHAHAHAH!

...I am also your new Drivers Ed teacher.

I am told I can't make the class mandatory, but I strongly urge you to come. Driving is a far more vital skill than you can ever know.

As for my new...colleges: I look forward to working with you.

[He smirks briefly, like there's something about to happen and he can't wait to see how it's going to turn out. Amazing how menacing that can make a normally meaningless pleasantry.]

Hey everybody! I've got a REALLY scary story I'm gonna tell! Are you ready? Okay, so here goes.

[Extremely over dramatic throat clearing]

This is the story of the day where there was ALL THIS BLOOD! A man was walking around and blood started coming out EVERYWHERE! There was so much blood that it filled up an ELEVATOR! He went to the store and there was just... BLOOD! Everywhere! All over the place! People were slipping in it and they were all grossed out! The man tried to go swimming and all the sharks went nuts and bit EVERYBODY! He got chased by EVERY. VAMPIRE. EVER. One time the blood got on a kid and a dog! At the end of the day everybody decided to send the man to space so he would stop getting blood everywhere.

But the scariest part?

The man was YOU!!!!! Or he was a lady if you are a lady. And you forgot that this happened!

[The video cuts off in the middle of Skull Kid giggling wildly]

[Action:]
[Before Shinta posts on the network people may notice the NEW KID on a mission to pick up litter around the school. Yes, there are people who get paid for that, but if he's gonna be a cool guy then he's gotta do cool things. ...Being nice and picking up other people's trash is cool to him, and probably him alone.

At some point during the day he starts raking leaves, and maybe he whistles an obnoxious J-pop tune while he does. Please do not approach him if you don't like overenthusiastic weirdos, because he will try to convince you to join him. Come on, man, do it, the satisfaction of a job well done is reward enough, right?]

[Video:]
Hello! My name is Shinta Kikuchi, and I look forward to meeting you all.

[He bows at the computer, for he is a Gentleman (in theory) and Gentlemen are always polite. Bowing is polite, right?]

I think here is as good a place as any to ask: I'm a little late for the start of the new year, are there any classes that still have space available? This looks like a big school, and I didn't think I'd arrive so late. There must be a lot that are full. I'd like to keep the arts classes to a minimum, please...

[His eyes drift away from the webcam for a moment and then he suddenly snaps back towards it, like he suddenly remembers something.]

Does the bear always serve lunch? That's amazing! It must have took years to train him to do that. He's very well-behaved, too. Whoever trained him, congratulations! You've done an excellent job.

[Lo! Somewhere in the library is some student of Smash Academy at the public computers, making a post to the network and probably asking about homecoming dance or something. Somewhere in the library off screen there is a barking voice, obviously annoyed and sounds suspiciously like Captain Falcon.]

Keep it down with your stupid video diary, I'm trying to think!

[S-Sorry, coach! The kid says, then goes on to timidly explain that it's not a video diary, but a post to the school's network! The kid looks back at the recording video apologetically while "coach" can be heard muttering off-screen.]

Network? For the school? So everyone can see what you're doing right now?

[...Yeah? This appears to have sealed the nameless student's fate, and suddenly there is the torso of a man in bright red spandex with ridiculous thighs behind him. The kid is grabbed by the scruff of his shirt collar and violently thrown clear across the room into a bookshelf. The shelf teeters backwards then falls into the next shelf behind it, and then the one behind it, and it's a magnificent domino effect to which does not seem to concern him. If anything he seems proud of the fact there are now books are everywhere and the kid probably has a word concussion. Red spandex coach-sound-alike sits down in front of the computer. He is also a coach-look-alike! Only EVIL LOOKING. It's probably skull on his helmet and the spikes on his shoulder pauldron. Or maybe Falcon is going through some midlife crisis and felt like a wardrobe change and got lost in a Hot Topic. Or it's some crazy clone.]

Hi. [Either way, this coach also has fangs, which are easily seen the moment he starts speaking.]

I know you're here. I saw the your shitmobile in the parking lot. Or, you know, was in the parking lot. [He grins. It's an awful fang-filled kind of grin. WHAT DID HE DO... HE DID SOMETHING BAD.] And the big floating hand said so. I'm going to find you eventually, so why don't you make this easy and come out of hiding. I'm not going anywhere until then!