Kiyotaka Ishimaru [石丸清多夏] (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
forgetbeam) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
smashacademy2014-03-09 11:35 pm
forgetbeam) wrote in smashacademy2014-03-09 11:35 pm
[TEXT / ACTION] all all apologies
[It had been a long month of ups and downs. Mostly downs. While Hajime was able to pull Kiyotaka out of a state of self-loathing depression after his failure to bring about change to the school and subsequent removal from the Disciplinary Committee, the drawn-out tantrum that followed was a complete trainwreck for anyone unfortunate enough to come across "Ishida." But the raging emotions had taken their toll on him mentally while the few intense fights he got into wore him down physically, and eventually young Vivian finally talked him down from the brink of virtual insanity, still believing in him even after his attempts to push her away.
The first thing he did when he parted ways with his former partner was crash in one of the temporary dorms for half a day. Then he grabbed whatever he could from the cafeteria and filled his stomach, though it took a lot less to get the job done than it felt like he was going to need. Full and somewhat-rested, but still sore and emotionally exhausted, he sat alone in what used to be the Disciplinary Committee's meeting room with his hands folded on the table in front of him, in deep reflection for well over an hour.
He needed to apologize to people, that much was certain. It was also a sure thing that an apology wasn't enough, and he feared that there was no way to even begin mending the damage he'd done with certain people. But... he had to try. That was all he could do. Even if he had no idea how, there was no way he could just sit and do nothing. He was through running away; he settled on that much when he stopped hiding behind Ishida.
If only the people he most wanted advice from weren't among those he needed to speak to in the first place.
Just how many people did he need to reach out to, anyway? His memories of the past month were clouded by anger and regret, the things that broke his heart most standing out a lot more than some smaller incidents which no doubt were in just as much need of atonement. The network seemed like a good start, he decided. Efficient and wide-reaching.
And so, from a terminal in the library:]
I understand that there is no excuse for my recent behaviour. I will do everything in my power to make up for any trouble I have caused.
I must also announce that I am no longer a hall monitor or the head of the Disciplinary Committee. This has been the case for several weeks. Do not think that means that you have free reign to cause chaos.
[Yeah, but chaos is gonna happen anyway, AS USUAL.
Anyway, with that done, he lingers in the library for a little while before beginning the trek back to his dorm. He's been dreading going back for the first time since Valentine's Day, but it can't be avoided any longer. Unless he runs into someone else along the way.]
The first thing he did when he parted ways with his former partner was crash in one of the temporary dorms for half a day. Then he grabbed whatever he could from the cafeteria and filled his stomach, though it took a lot less to get the job done than it felt like he was going to need. Full and somewhat-rested, but still sore and emotionally exhausted, he sat alone in what used to be the Disciplinary Committee's meeting room with his hands folded on the table in front of him, in deep reflection for well over an hour.
He needed to apologize to people, that much was certain. It was also a sure thing that an apology wasn't enough, and he feared that there was no way to even begin mending the damage he'd done with certain people. But... he had to try. That was all he could do. Even if he had no idea how, there was no way he could just sit and do nothing. He was through running away; he settled on that much when he stopped hiding behind Ishida.
If only the people he most wanted advice from weren't among those he needed to speak to in the first place.
Just how many people did he need to reach out to, anyway? His memories of the past month were clouded by anger and regret, the things that broke his heart most standing out a lot more than some smaller incidents which no doubt were in just as much need of atonement. The network seemed like a good start, he decided. Efficient and wide-reaching.
And so, from a terminal in the library:]
I understand that there is no excuse for my recent behaviour. I will do everything in my power to make up for any trouble I have caused.
I must also announce that I am no longer a hall monitor or the head of the Disciplinary Committee. This has been the case for several weeks. Do not think that means that you have free reign to cause chaos.
[Yeah, but chaos is gonna happen anyway, AS USUAL.
Anyway, with that done, he lingers in the library for a little while before beginning the trek back to his dorm. He's been dreading going back for the first time since Valentine's Day, but it can't be avoided any longer. Unless he runs into someone else along the way.]
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He is pretty sure he smacked Brown at some point... That's awkward.]
Uesugi.
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Ishida.
[Well there were no crazy outbursts, at least not of the swearing like a sailor variety. Yet. He can't be too sure, he had the fortune of mostly staying clear from Kiyotaka since that bittersweet meeting.
That is to say, he never stop feeling concern for him. True, he did a move that didn't really show much sweetness in it's gesture but fucking up was Brown's specialty after all.]
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That isn't who I am! ...I promise. It never really was.
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At least... he hopes not.]
Good that you feel better, Ki- Ishimaru.
[His ran a hand through his hair, his frown deepens.]
... Though. I can't say I can agree that one with you.
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[But he totally did all of them. Even if he can't understand what was going through his mind at the time.]
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[Though the subject at hand will be properly addressed at some point of this conversation, one of them at least will bring it up again in case Brown had forgotten.]
Point is that crazy guy who was shouting out curses like a maniac sailor? That's you. Always was and still is, Ishimaru. Which sounds crazy, I know. But I'm a guy from 18 years ago got flung forward in time not long after fighting off demons when my old school got frozen, for starters.
Anyways, takin' a page from a guy with a butterfly mask and handin' out supernatural powers to a bunch of delinquents like me; people live wearing different masks. The guy says that for every person, they're both capable of divine love and demonic cruelty, that all of us harbor gods and demons within us. Sounds bullshit, but once you get the idea he means facets of our personality, how we face people and various changes in our life; it kinda makes sense. I mean, 'm not exactly the smartest guy around-- [Modesty. His grades are much higher than one could expect from his personality.] but an entity that supports hope and humanity's gotta be right at least, as much as he had to talk in riddles to make his point.
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Then... are you saying that it could happen again?
[NOT QUITE GETTING IT.]
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.... Honestly, I'm not sure about that one.
The guy's basically talkin' psycho-whatchamacallit, just addin' to 'hey how about if those I take it to the literal extreme and make you guys summon sides of your personality in the appearance of personification of mythological figures'.
[How he manage to figure that one out is anyone's guess.]
What I'm sayin' is that- [air quotes] 'Ishida' is part of you, just like the 'you' who's passionate about bein' part of the Disciplinary Committee and doing things what you feel is the right thing to do. Like, you've seen me summonin' Byakko or Pyro Jack, they're part of me- like the facets of my personalities, just in kinda-astral form thanks to ol' Phil.
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I'd rather destroy that part of me! All that matters is the part that wants to do what's right, right? No other part needs to exist... Especially not some part that hurts people!
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Oh, sure you get people to feel how you want them to, but what about you, Kiyotaka Ishimaru? You'd end up hurting yourself. Sometimes, You can't just simply deny a part of yourself in hopes that things will magically be better.
[Brown sighed, at this point he was being hypocritical, but if anything the guy needs someone to hear him out most likely. And well he had been considering the idea more ever since that incident with Henry.]
... I'm speaking from experience here, Ishimaru. You're gonna get stuck in that cycle once you start it.
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[He learned a long time ago to deny his more selfish desires and in turn suppress his own feelings and emotions when he can. And look how well adjusted he is for it.
ACTIVATE HIS KOKORONPA EVENT, BROWN.]Right now I need to focus on fixing what damage I've done, more than anything. If there is a part of myself that can even do that...
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[Which after much thought made him realize how much they are alike in terms of denial, as strange as it might be from a brief glance.]
Do I have to pull outta a page from my own fuckups? I'm gonna pull a page from my own fuckups if I have to.
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The last time he got into an argument like this he got a handjob out of it. Come on, Brown, be a pal]no subject
Fine! But we gotta get more privacy.
[Last thing he needs are onlookers.]
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not a joke tag
Okay, they were in the empty room, Brown took a deep breath and said;]
I love you.
[Correction; anything about this could only go wrong.]
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But--! I'm a man, so--!
[Don't do this to him when he's at a very sensitive sexuality-doubting time in his life.]
I LIED I HAVE ONE MORE TO ADD
What the heck do you think you're doing?! Are you making fun of me?! That's a sick joke!
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I don't do those kinds of jokes- I mean, like, I guess, it didn't felt wrong crushing another man but I mean don't like guys that way, it was just those stupid robots- no that hasn't have anything to do with this! I swear, that came out wrong, gimme a moment, it doesn't have to do with that, I don't like guys that way I-
[He holds a time out sign. Breath boy, breath.]
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