smashacademy | [TEXT / ACTION] all all apologies

[It had been a long month of ups and downs. Mostly downs. While Hajime was able to pull Kiyotaka out of a state of self-loathing depression after his failure to bring about change to the school and subsequent removal from the Disciplinary Committee, the drawn-out tantrum that followed was a complete trainwreck for anyone unfortunate enough to come across "Ishida." But the raging emotions had taken their toll on him mentally while the few intense fights he got into wore him down physically, and eventually young Vivian finally talked him down from the brink of virtual insanity, still believing in him even after his attempts to push her away.

The first thing he did when he parted ways with his former partner was crash in one of the temporary dorms for half a day. Then he grabbed whatever he could from the cafeteria and filled his stomach, though it took a lot less to get the job done than it felt like he was going to need. Full and somewhat-rested, but still sore and emotionally exhausted, he sat alone in what used to be the Disciplinary Committee's meeting room with his hands folded on the table in front of him, in deep reflection for well over an hour.

He needed to apologize to people, that much was certain. It was also a sure thing that an apology wasn't enough, and he feared that there was no way to even begin mending the damage he'd done with certain people. But... he had to try. That was all he could do. Even if he had no idea how, there was no way he could just sit and do nothing. He was through running away; he settled on that much when he stopped hiding behind Ishida.

If only the people he most wanted advice from weren't among those he needed to speak to in the first place.

Just how many people did he need to reach out to, anyway? His memories of the past month were clouded by anger and regret, the things that broke his heart most standing out a lot more than some smaller incidents which no doubt were in just as much need of atonement. The network seemed like a good start, he decided. Efficient and wide-reaching.

And so, from a terminal in the library:]

I understand that there is no excuse for my recent behaviour. I will do everything in my power to make up for any trouble I have caused.

I must also announce that I am no longer a hall monitor or the head of the Disciplinary Committee. This has been the case for several weeks. Do not think that means that you have free reign to cause chaos.

[Yeah, but chaos is gonna happen anyway, AS USUAL.

Anyway, with that done, he lingers in the library for a little while before beginning the trek back to his dorm. He's been dreading going back for the first time since Valentine's Day, but it can't be avoided any longer. Unless he runs into someone else along the way.]

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[He wonders if it's too late for him. What his own real desires are. He does genuinely want law and order and goodness for all, even if part of the reason for him turning to that originally was to save himself from middle school. Whether it just became a part of his essence or if it was in him all along, he can't really say, but he can't go on denying it like Ishida did.

But Ishida himself... Kiyotaka still isn't 100% sure what part of him he's supposed to be. Even the lie had to come from some small grain of truth. Accepting him... would that mean just going ahead and keeping on acting like a complete asshole? No thanks. But he doesn't want to snap like that again, either.

He stares at one of his hands, flexing his fingers just slightly.]

But I know accepting that I'm capable of being-- being that won't make me happy!

It won't but...

[What does Brown know anyway, sad as he was, he could never really think of up the correct answer since he never had a part of himself that took him over completely. Unless... this was this whole mesh about, that 'HIdehiko' and 'Brown' were slowly turning him into someone even more different than the two?

No, he was losing track, the one that needs an answer was Kiyotaka now.]

... maybe that guy's telling you somethin'? I'm not Phil so that's to say I'm not a god who can read into 'the sea of your soul to see through your identities'. But maybe that guy, Ishida, was some sort of outlet? Maybe whatever was- is eating you up resulted him to rise up and take over.

[He's pretty curious about this Phil guy, not gonna lie, but that is another question for another time.]

...No, I think you're right.

[He's tired of arguing it.]

I didn't know how to deal with everything that was happening, so... I tried to be someone who didn't have to. I still don't know what to do, but I know it's time to stop hiding.

There's that but... what's next after? You start over when you lost somethin', it isn't always a bad thing, sometimes it's for the better.

Maybe it's time to start being 'Kiyotaka' from scratch, but somehin' that won't push yourself too far...

I have lost everything I've worked for over several years. That was... everything that I was.

[He stares at the ground for a second, trying to figure out how to put his feelings into words. It's selfish to keep wasting Brown's time with this, but he needs to ease his own mind.]

How can I start from scratch without becoming... that?

[He rested his back against the wall ~~and then they did the thing again~~ and thought it briefly. Well sure, the logic to avoid being Ishida again was to start being Kiyotaka before the crazy spell, but that would just end up with him going into the cycles Brown was trying steer him away from.

Brows furrowed as he tried to carefully come up the right sentence.]

I dunno much about law and order, which is kind of ironic considering Phil fished it out that my arcana is Justice of all things.

[The joke was more for him than to Kiyotaka, he consider it as reflex to an extent and really, he wasn't sure of Kiyotaka appreciate those kinds of jokes.]

But it isn't like you couldn't stop being the law worshiper around. Do you ever like... learn how to ride a bicycle? I'm takin' the bike metaphor because when you fail riding a bicycle, you fall but you don't need to change the basic principles; you just get better at it by judging your instincts and picking your pace. This case bein' starting over without overly denying or turning into a psycho swears-a-lot, instead of using training wheels or riding too fast like you're some pro biker.

Lettin' things flow best until you're ridin' like a pro in 'till you're on the end of the road of finding who you are, some sort of metaphorical euphoria like that.

[...]

IIIII am probably makin' zero sense, aren't I?

[Metaphors are never his strong points.]

[Arcana of Justice, whaaa-]

...No, I understand what you're saying. I understand where I went wrong, too. I know where my reasoning went wrong before, and why I...

[Went fucking ballistic? No, he doesn't know why things got to that extent, but he remembers what he was thinking when it happened.]

Those foundations of what I was before, even after losing what they built up to, are still a part of me. The part I tried to deny before! Right, it all comes back to not denying parts of yourself! I've got it!

[He seems pretty pleased with his line of reasoning. There's a spark of something in his eyes, and while he's not the outright blazing passionate spirit he used to be, at least it's something other than hollow sadness.]

You're right...! As long as those things are a part of my core being... I can pave a new path from there and see where that takes me. Even if it isn't the same place I was before.

[~~Muffled Overcoming the Sadness plays in the background.~~

Brown clasped a hand on Kiyotaka's shoulder and smiled sincerely.]

Gyahaha! That's the spirit, Kiyo-chan. Certainly, with the blessings from yours truly, your journey will be reach to a meaningful end.

[More softly, he said;]

... seriously though, you'll pull through. I'm rootin' for ya.

I appreciate your advice, but I still won't stand for you calling me that!

[He makes a move as though he's going to push Brown's hand away, but he just kind of puts his own hand overtop it instead. In a heterosexual way.]

...Thank you. Some of what you said... they were words I didn't know I've been needing to hear for a long time.

[Brown's grip became firmer, in a comforting sort of way. Yeah there was nothing weird about this.]

Better now than never, huh? Glad that the history meshed with philosophy on identity lesson helped out.

How much it does help depends on me, now.

[He releases his hand and steps toward the door.]

I have several more people I should make amends with, but... I will reflect on all of this meanwhile.

[TEXT / ACTION] all all apologies

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