Kiyotaka Ishimaru [石丸清多夏] (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
forgetbeam) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
smashacademy2014-03-09 11:35 pm
forgetbeam) wrote in smashacademy2014-03-09 11:35 pm
[TEXT / ACTION] all all apologies
[It had been a long month of ups and downs. Mostly downs. While Hajime was able to pull Kiyotaka out of a state of self-loathing depression after his failure to bring about change to the school and subsequent removal from the Disciplinary Committee, the drawn-out tantrum that followed was a complete trainwreck for anyone unfortunate enough to come across "Ishida." But the raging emotions had taken their toll on him mentally while the few intense fights he got into wore him down physically, and eventually young Vivian finally talked him down from the brink of virtual insanity, still believing in him even after his attempts to push her away.
The first thing he did when he parted ways with his former partner was crash in one of the temporary dorms for half a day. Then he grabbed whatever he could from the cafeteria and filled his stomach, though it took a lot less to get the job done than it felt like he was going to need. Full and somewhat-rested, but still sore and emotionally exhausted, he sat alone in what used to be the Disciplinary Committee's meeting room with his hands folded on the table in front of him, in deep reflection for well over an hour.
He needed to apologize to people, that much was certain. It was also a sure thing that an apology wasn't enough, and he feared that there was no way to even begin mending the damage he'd done with certain people. But... he had to try. That was all he could do. Even if he had no idea how, there was no way he could just sit and do nothing. He was through running away; he settled on that much when he stopped hiding behind Ishida.
If only the people he most wanted advice from weren't among those he needed to speak to in the first place.
Just how many people did he need to reach out to, anyway? His memories of the past month were clouded by anger and regret, the things that broke his heart most standing out a lot more than some smaller incidents which no doubt were in just as much need of atonement. The network seemed like a good start, he decided. Efficient and wide-reaching.
And so, from a terminal in the library:]
I understand that there is no excuse for my recent behaviour. I will do everything in my power to make up for any trouble I have caused.
I must also announce that I am no longer a hall monitor or the head of the Disciplinary Committee. This has been the case for several weeks. Do not think that means that you have free reign to cause chaos.
[Yeah, but chaos is gonna happen anyway, AS USUAL.
Anyway, with that done, he lingers in the library for a little while before beginning the trek back to his dorm. He's been dreading going back for the first time since Valentine's Day, but it can't be avoided any longer. Unless he runs into someone else along the way.]
The first thing he did when he parted ways with his former partner was crash in one of the temporary dorms for half a day. Then he grabbed whatever he could from the cafeteria and filled his stomach, though it took a lot less to get the job done than it felt like he was going to need. Full and somewhat-rested, but still sore and emotionally exhausted, he sat alone in what used to be the Disciplinary Committee's meeting room with his hands folded on the table in front of him, in deep reflection for well over an hour.
He needed to apologize to people, that much was certain. It was also a sure thing that an apology wasn't enough, and he feared that there was no way to even begin mending the damage he'd done with certain people. But... he had to try. That was all he could do. Even if he had no idea how, there was no way he could just sit and do nothing. He was through running away; he settled on that much when he stopped hiding behind Ishida.
If only the people he most wanted advice from weren't among those he needed to speak to in the first place.
Just how many people did he need to reach out to, anyway? His memories of the past month were clouded by anger and regret, the things that broke his heart most standing out a lot more than some smaller incidents which no doubt were in just as much need of atonement. The network seemed like a good start, he decided. Efficient and wide-reaching.
And so, from a terminal in the library:]
I understand that there is no excuse for my recent behaviour. I will do everything in my power to make up for any trouble I have caused.
I must also announce that I am no longer a hall monitor or the head of the Disciplinary Committee. This has been the case for several weeks. Do not think that means that you have free reign to cause chaos.
[Yeah, but chaos is gonna happen anyway, AS USUAL.
Anyway, with that done, he lingers in the library for a little while before beginning the trek back to his dorm. He's been dreading going back for the first time since Valentine's Day, but it can't be avoided any longer. Unless he runs into someone else along the way.]
I LIED I HAVE ONE MORE TO ADD
What the heck do you think you're doing?! Are you making fun of me?! That's a sick joke!
1/2
I don't do those kinds of jokes- I mean, like, I guess, it didn't felt wrong crushing another man but I mean don't like guys that way, it was just those stupid robots- no that hasn't have anything to do with this! I swear, that came out wrong, gimme a moment, it doesn't have to do with that, I don't like guys that way I-
[He holds a time out sign. Breath boy, breath.]
no subject
[His cheeks were significantly red as he try to hide it by running a hand over his hair. Brown was partly embarrassed for saying something like this, but also from his initial mistake.]
Funny how it looks right, considerin' all the detentions and shit you pulled me through? But I don't actually mind much of it because...
[Just spit it out already.]
no subject
It's just an act, Ishimaru. A guy like me is just all talk and nothin' else. Copin' mechanism they call it, I avoided well, y'know, those guys who'd have nothing better to do than givin' nightmares to some poor sap.
no subject
...Then you're hiding too, aren't you? Putting up a mask like that... must mean... you're denying something.
no subject
I just pretend to come off as a cool guy to avoid being the butt of the joke. I ran to hide off the fact that insecure how people see me; surprise, surprise. The grades didn't came from cheatin' off some poor guy, y'know.
[He laughed bitterly at that, instead he got a reputation for being an idiot when his grades proves that he was at least above average. Coming from a competitive school like St. Hemelin with excellent grades and all.
He sighed, talking things honestly were always the most difficult thing to do. Brown shoved his hands to his pockets before continuing.]
I'll just cut the chase; I made a mask to cope the fact I was bullied in junior high. For three fucking years.
no subject
...This whole time, I thought this mask was who you were. That you were just some carefree troublemaker. But... did you want that other part of yourself to stop existing?
[He furrows his brow a bit, not really sure what he wants to ask or how to ask it. That'll have to do.]
no subject
I mean, yeah of course I did. 'cuz like… people were happier and I got what I wanted where people like me for being the cool guy, 'know? See, I mean even you thought I was just some brainless idiot who has zero cares.
Thing is, try as I can- and I mean really try, I wasn't… [He grimaced at his own wording.] I'm not happy with myself. I'm basically destroyin' myself without knowin' what Phil was sayin' that the hapless nerd won't really ever be gone and 's still part of me, y'know? What I've slowly learned 's that… denying just makes things worst, every fragment plays a part of who you are.
no subject
(And it hurts more, knowing now the extremes people are capable of going to because they think they're weak, weak, weak.)]
How can you tell me not to deny a part of who I am if you're doing the same even now? Admitting to it is one thing, but how many other people have you ever shown the truth to? Everyone else only knows your public persona too, don't they?
[It sounds too much like a lecture, and even he notices.]
What I'm saying is... You should be more true to yourself and others too... if that's what's truly better. Right?
no subject
[Honestly, it became a bit more complicated than that, being that there were now parts of his real self as with the ones that were fabricated slowly meshing together into whoever he had become now. It's all a very strange metamorphosis once you've been doing a one man act for so long.
But that's exactly what I warnin' about, for at least a couple of years I've been thinking; 'okay, from today on, I'll be more honest and talk about my feelings more because I have people who like me now- no can't do it, I'll do it tomorrow'. That's the endless cycle I'm talking about, making promises to yourself that without thinkin' if it would really make you feel happy yourself and then locking yourself into a loop of self-destruction...
You're way, way less of a loser than I am and you can definitely back out now before you end up bein' a giant chicken like me whose been havin' a hard time embracing his real feathers.
no subject
But Ishida himself... Kiyotaka still isn't 100% sure what part of him he's supposed to be. Even the lie had to come from some small grain of truth. Accepting him... would that mean just going ahead and keeping on acting like a complete asshole? No thanks. But he doesn't want to snap like that again, either.
He stares at one of his hands, flexing his fingers just slightly.]
But I know accepting that I'm capable of being-- being that won't make me happy!
no subject
[What does Brown know anyway, sad as he was, he could never really think of up the correct answer since he never had a part of himself that took him over completely. Unless... this was this whole mesh about, that 'HIdehiko' and 'Brown' were slowly turning him into someone even more different than the two?
No, he was losing track, the one that needs an answer was Kiyotaka now.]
... maybe that guy's telling you somethin'? I'm not Phil so that's to say I'm not a god who can read into 'the sea of your soul to see through your identities'. But maybe that guy, Ishida, was some sort of outlet? Maybe whatever was- is eating you up resulted him to rise up and take over.
no subject
...No, I think you're right.
[He's tired of arguing it.]
I didn't know how to deal with everything that was happening, so... I tried to be someone who didn't have to. I still don't know what to do, but I know it's time to stop hiding.
no subject
Maybe it's time to start being 'Kiyotaka' from scratch, but somehin' that won't push yourself too far...
no subject
[He stares at the ground for a second, trying to figure out how to put his feelings into words. It's selfish to keep wasting Brown's time with this, but he needs to ease his own mind.]
How can I start from scratch without becoming... that?
no subject
and then they did the thing againand thought it briefly. Well sure, the logic to avoid being Ishida again was to start being Kiyotaka before the crazy spell, but that would just end up with him going into the cycles Brown was trying steer him away from.Brows furrowed as he tried to carefully come up the right sentence.]
I dunno much about law and order, which is kind of ironic considering Phil fished it out that my arcana is Justice of all things.
[The joke was more for him than to Kiyotaka, he consider it as reflex to an extent and really, he wasn't sure of Kiyotaka appreciate those kinds of jokes.]
But it isn't like you couldn't stop being the law worshiper around. Do you ever like... learn how to ride a bicycle? I'm takin' the bike metaphor because when you fail riding a bicycle, you fall but you don't need to change the basic principles; you just get better at it by judging your instincts and picking your pace. This case bein' starting over without overly denying or turning into a psycho swears-a-lot, instead of using training wheels or riding too fast like you're some pro biker.
Lettin' things flow best until you're ridin' like a pro in 'till you're on the end of the road of finding who you are, some sort of metaphorical euphoria like that.
[...]
IIIII am probably makin' zero sense, aren't I?
[Metaphors are never his strong points.]
no subject
...No, I understand what you're saying. I understand where I went wrong, too. I know where my reasoning went wrong before, and why I...
[Went fucking ballistic? No, he doesn't know why things got to that extent, but he remembers what he was thinking when it happened.]
Those foundations of what I was before, even after losing what they built up to, are still a part of me. The part I tried to deny before! Right, it all comes back to not denying parts of yourself! I've got it!
[He seems pretty pleased with his line of reasoning. There's a spark of something in his eyes, and while he's not the outright blazing passionate spirit he used to be, at least it's something other than hollow sadness.]
You're right...! As long as those things are a part of my core being... I can pave a new path from there and see where that takes me. Even if it isn't the same place I was before.
no subject
Muffled Overcoming the Sadness plays in the background.Brown clasped a hand on Kiyotaka's shoulder and smiled sincerely.]
Gyahaha! That's the spirit, Kiyo-chan. Certainly, with the blessings from yours truly, your journey will be reach to a meaningful end.
[More softly, he said;]
... seriously though, you'll pull through. I'm rootin' for ya.
1/2
no subject
...Thank you. Some of what you said... they were words I didn't know I've been needing to hear for a long time.
no subject
Better now than never, huh? Glad that the history meshed with philosophy on identity lesson helped out.
no subject
[He releases his hand and steps toward the door.]
I have several more people I should make amends with, but... I will reflect on all of this meanwhile.