Kiyotaka Ishimaru [石丸清多夏] (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
forgetbeam) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
smashacademy2014-03-09 11:35 pm
forgetbeam) wrote in smashacademy2014-03-09 11:35 pm
[TEXT / ACTION] all all apologies
[It had been a long month of ups and downs. Mostly downs. While Hajime was able to pull Kiyotaka out of a state of self-loathing depression after his failure to bring about change to the school and subsequent removal from the Disciplinary Committee, the drawn-out tantrum that followed was a complete trainwreck for anyone unfortunate enough to come across "Ishida." But the raging emotions had taken their toll on him mentally while the few intense fights he got into wore him down physically, and eventually young Vivian finally talked him down from the brink of virtual insanity, still believing in him even after his attempts to push her away.
The first thing he did when he parted ways with his former partner was crash in one of the temporary dorms for half a day. Then he grabbed whatever he could from the cafeteria and filled his stomach, though it took a lot less to get the job done than it felt like he was going to need. Full and somewhat-rested, but still sore and emotionally exhausted, he sat alone in what used to be the Disciplinary Committee's meeting room with his hands folded on the table in front of him, in deep reflection for well over an hour.
He needed to apologize to people, that much was certain. It was also a sure thing that an apology wasn't enough, and he feared that there was no way to even begin mending the damage he'd done with certain people. But... he had to try. That was all he could do. Even if he had no idea how, there was no way he could just sit and do nothing. He was through running away; he settled on that much when he stopped hiding behind Ishida.
If only the people he most wanted advice from weren't among those he needed to speak to in the first place.
Just how many people did he need to reach out to, anyway? His memories of the past month were clouded by anger and regret, the things that broke his heart most standing out a lot more than some smaller incidents which no doubt were in just as much need of atonement. The network seemed like a good start, he decided. Efficient and wide-reaching.
And so, from a terminal in the library:]
I understand that there is no excuse for my recent behaviour. I will do everything in my power to make up for any trouble I have caused.
I must also announce that I am no longer a hall monitor or the head of the Disciplinary Committee. This has been the case for several weeks. Do not think that means that you have free reign to cause chaos.
[Yeah, but chaos is gonna happen anyway, AS USUAL.
Anyway, with that done, he lingers in the library for a little while before beginning the trek back to his dorm. He's been dreading going back for the first time since Valentine's Day, but it can't be avoided any longer. Unless he runs into someone else along the way.]
The first thing he did when he parted ways with his former partner was crash in one of the temporary dorms for half a day. Then he grabbed whatever he could from the cafeteria and filled his stomach, though it took a lot less to get the job done than it felt like he was going to need. Full and somewhat-rested, but still sore and emotionally exhausted, he sat alone in what used to be the Disciplinary Committee's meeting room with his hands folded on the table in front of him, in deep reflection for well over an hour.
He needed to apologize to people, that much was certain. It was also a sure thing that an apology wasn't enough, and he feared that there was no way to even begin mending the damage he'd done with certain people. But... he had to try. That was all he could do. Even if he had no idea how, there was no way he could just sit and do nothing. He was through running away; he settled on that much when he stopped hiding behind Ishida.
If only the people he most wanted advice from weren't among those he needed to speak to in the first place.
Just how many people did he need to reach out to, anyway? His memories of the past month were clouded by anger and regret, the things that broke his heart most standing out a lot more than some smaller incidents which no doubt were in just as much need of atonement. The network seemed like a good start, he decided. Efficient and wide-reaching.
And so, from a terminal in the library:]
I understand that there is no excuse for my recent behaviour. I will do everything in my power to make up for any trouble I have caused.
I must also announce that I am no longer a hall monitor or the head of the Disciplinary Committee. This has been the case for several weeks. Do not think that means that you have free reign to cause chaos.
[Yeah, but chaos is gonna happen anyway, AS USUAL.
Anyway, with that done, he lingers in the library for a little while before beginning the trek back to his dorm. He's been dreading going back for the first time since Valentine's Day, but it can't be avoided any longer. Unless he runs into someone else along the way.]
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[Never mind that he doesn't know what possessed him to do half the shit he pulled as Ishida, either.]
Do-- did you value our friendship at all?! Do you even try to control yourself?!
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[The lack of an answer to the first part bothers him more. Mondo's not even sorry for it - he apologized for murder like that would fix anything, but can't utter anything for this? Kiyotaka's too tired to be furious about it. It just... hurts. At lot. He's not sure what he should even do now. He didn't expect things to just be hunky dory after a quick apology, but the stupid, naive part of him hoped... that it wouldn't come to this, at least. Losing his very first friend for the second time.
Now what?]
Is that... all you have to say, then?
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No. I should at least say I'm sorry. I'd make my apology worth something by promising you I won't pull this kind of crap again, but... I'm just not capable enough yet.
[He bows deeply, hands to the ground.]
I'm sorry. For all I've ever done. Ishimaru...
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Stand up. Please...
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You weren't wrong about what you said... about hurting me. But... please understand! You've brought a lot of happiness into my life too! You're my first and closest friend, and if there was only one person I could have at my side for the rest of my life, it would be you!
[His voice is cracking with desperation but he doesn't care.]
If you're truly sorry for what you did, then... then that must mean that our friendship isn't just nothing to you after all, so... so...!!
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And that's exactly why... you can't be callin' me brother no more. I've done nothing to earn that.
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...I see. I'm sorry, Oowada. If those are your feelings, I won't waste any more of your time with this.
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[It's ironic, isn't it? In trying to stop himself from future inflictions, he wound up hurting him again. It feels absolutely fucking hopeless now. No matter what, he's just going to keep doing this, isn't he? He wants to hit something with the intensity of a bad rash needing a good scratch, but he keeps himself in check and just clenches his fist instead.]
I haven't given up. Just... gimme some time.
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ON A SERIOUS NOTE
I'll wait for you.
[Thank goodness.
It's not closure, or even a guarantee, but it's enough to give him hope, and that's what he needs right now. Even if things are still a little awkward, he doesn't feel completely unwelcome in his own room anymore. He unlaces his boots and crosses the room to his bed - his own bed for the first time in what seems like ages, and it just looks so inviting...]
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[Mondo feels like leaving the room, maybe to spend some time reflecting alone. But before that, he sits back down at the edge of his bed. Though they weren't sworn brothers any longer, he couldn't help but care about him. Something's still lingering on his mind. It's the whole transformation thing that lasted for a whole month that's bothering him.]
By the way... How're you feeling?
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[He's a little annoyed that he already wasted so much time sleeping today, but it's not like he has any particular duties to attend to anymore...
Without even bothering to take off his boots, he faceplants onto his bed and just stares at the wall.]
More than that, I feel...
[He pauses, wondering if it's still okay to open up to Mondo like this. Now that there's this distance between them. Now that he's already rebuked his raw and earnest feelings already. His cheeks burn a little just thinking about it.]
...Well, that isn't important right now.
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Well, a little extra nap shouldn't hurt. [He gets up to go find his shoes.] I'm gonna go out for a while, so it'll be easier to just conk out without me hanging around.
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[What kind of an answer was he expecting? 'No'? It wasn't like he was moving out...]
[And then he never returned how ominous]You need anything?
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No.
[He needs a lot of things he doesn't know how to ask for. So instead he just buries his face in his pillow. SO READY TO JUST PASS OUT FOR ANOTHER FEW HOURS even if when he wakes up he won't have the luxury of finding out this was all just a dream or something.]
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[With that, he's out the door. It clicks shut behind him.]
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