[Video] A VERY IMPORTANT MESSAGE FROM THE EGGMAN EMPIRE

[iamtheeggman]

[When the camera came to life, Dr. Eggman was standing in what looked like a big empty warehouse, hands on his hips, eagerly gloating.]

OHOHOHO!! Greetings, all you little SNOTS! I hope you're enjoying the start of a brand new, even more miserable school year than the last!!

You may be asking yourself a few questions! "Doctor Eggman, why are you standing in a warehouse? Doctor Eggman, why do you look so lean and svelte? Doctor Eggman, how can I have a mustache half as amazing and luxurious as your own?" Well, to answer your first question, I have an important announcement! You see, after you MEDDLING CHILDREN blew up my airship, I've had a lot of time to rethink my life's path, evaluate where I stand, and where I want my life and career to go.

And I decided to BUILD A NEW ROBOT ARMY.

[He stepped back, revealing waves of new Badniks behind him as the camera panned.]

That bird attack a few days ago turned out to be the PERFECT opportunity for me! After rounding up a few hundred of the pests, I was able to get right back to work manufacturing more robots! So despite all of your efforts, you HAVEN'T STOPPED ME IN THE LEAST! NYAH NYAH! OHOHOHO!!!

[The feed ended. ...A moment later it turned back on.]

And to answer your other two questions, I've been taking spin classes, and conditioner is your friend.

[Then the feed ended again.]

Comments

[iamtheeggman]

You should try a hidden fortress. Those always work wonders for me.

[He flopped down on the couch with a huff, spreading out.]

Tell me about it. Except I work with things a little more dangerous than light arms.

[golonghorns]

Never had a fortress. Had hidden bases. Underground, mostly.

[Tunnels under apartment buildings with escape routes out of town. Basements that were easy to conceal from prying military eyes. But they were more for storage than they were workspaces.]

Sure. Your robots and whatnot.

[He picked up the bottle, tore the foil seal and unscrewed the cap - it twisted to the right instead of the left so it took him a second. Aliens, man. Aliens. He poured two fingers worth into each tumbler and edged Eggman's closer to him with the butt of the bottle before recorking it.]

Never tried this before and it was a gift, so if it's goddawful or implants alien fetuses in our chests, I take no responsibility.

[He raised his glass in Eggman's direction.]

[iamtheeggman]

Indeed, my robots.

[He took the glass from him, eyeing it cautiously.]

How comforting... Oh well. Here goes.

[He raised his glass, then lifted it to his lips and downed it.]

...Eh. It'll do.

[He presented the glass for a refill.]

[golonghorns]

[Joel's opinion of the drink was a little more complimentary. But he didn't express an opinion on it one way or the other. It was a little sweet, and a lot warm. It burned all the way down and sat light in the belly. It was perfect.

He drained his own glass and then filled them both back up again, a little more this time.]

So.

[Gulp. Ah. Refreshing!]

You want... I don't know. Y'want t'talk about her?

[Not that all hope was lost or anything. But he might want to spend some time reminiscing. People liked to do that, didn't they?]

[iamtheeggman]

[Eggman stopped sipping in mid gulp, holding the glass to his lips for a moment before lowering it.]

I really hate this place, you know? Things were so simple before coming here. Before I... met people I care about...

[golonghorns]

[Joel actually gave a small smile at that.]

Yeah. Yeah, I get you. You got life figured out for a while, then someone comes along and kicks over the apple cart. Things never sit quite right after that.

[iamtheeggman]

Hmph. You sound like you speak from experience.

[golonghorns]

I do.

[He filled his cup again and drained it, sliding the bottle towards Eggman. He could pour his own now that the toasting was done.]

There was a girl. Ellie. I wound up gettin' conscripted to move her across country. A job. I used t'be a smuggler, but it was the first time I'd ever smuggled a person. She was only fourteen, but she was a tough little snot. Grew on me. Wound up... well. Wound up takin' care of her because I wanted to.

[This much was semi common knowledge. Things he'd told other people. But it had never come up between he and Eggman before. He drained his glass.]

Took her cross country, got her where she needed to be. Decided that wasn't... it wasn't what needed to happen. Took her back to a safe place and moved there for keeps. Then I wound up here.

[iamtheeggman]

Is that so... And where is she now?

[golonghorns]

Back in my world, livin' in a city made out of a power plant. My Brother runs it. Least, I'm assumin' that's where she is.

[She might have gone looking for him. She might have left after he'd disappeared. Anything could have happened, he'd been away for over a year, now.]

I wandered here by accident. Took her hunting in the woods one day, was following the trail like I always did, then wound up in the woods out back. Tried walking back every day in the morning before classes, hopin' to walk down the right trail or step on the right stick or kick the right pebble to send me back to her. Never happened.

[He filled his glass again and drained it almost as quickly.]

Then the subspace bomb took most've the woods away. If the trick to gettin' home was there, it sure as shit ain't now.

[iamtheeggman]

And do you worry about her a lot?

[He poured himself another drink while he waited to hear an answer.]

[golonghorns]

Sure. I mean, so long as she stays with my brother Tommy, she's got shelter. Food. And she's a good shot with a gun, real handy with a knife and bow...

[Still. She was a fourteen year old girl.]

I worry that she'll figure I left her, more'n anything. I trust her to know how to handle herself. I don't think she'd know what to make of me dissapearin' into a different world without warning.

[iamtheeggman]

...Have you been honest with her?

[Was he asking the question because he suspected something? Or was he asking because he genuinely wanted to know? Maybe he had a guilty conscience and pigs would start to fly.]

[golonghorns]

[It was an odd question. Honest about what?

Of course, the answer was No.]

As much as I needed t'be.

[iamtheeggman]

Hmph. I see.

[He seemed contemplative at that, sipping at his glass again. He didn't seem eager to elaborate.]

[golonghorns]

What about your girl? How'd that wind up going down?

[Fair's fair, Eggy.]

[iamtheeggman]

I rescued her from having her personality wiped.

[A generalization, but not an inaccurate one at least.]

[golonghorns]

....uh-huh.

[Joel quirked an eyebrow.]

There's got to be somethin' more to that story.

[Because what even.]

[iamtheeggman]

Look, I like you, which is something I rarely say to ANYONE around here, but that doesn't entitle you to know EVERYTHING I've ever done.

[golonghorns]

That's fair play.

[It wasn't like Joel was going to tell Eggman everything he'd ever done, either.]

[iamtheeggman]

Sufficed to say that caring for people has... compromised my ideals somewhat.

[golonghorns]

It compromised mine, too. In some ways.

[He turned the glass in his fingers.]

How's your daughter like your whole robot army thing? She big on the world domination idea?

[iamtheeggman]

She was... amiable to it. Once I explained it in my point of view.

[golonghorns]

Sounds like a good daughter. Ellie is willful, and she'll call me out on my BS if she doesn't agree with me. She's got a knack for bein' right, too.

[Frustratingly enough.

He could only imagine the sheer shitstorm he would have unleashed if he'd told her the truth about things at the hospital.]

[iamtheeggman]

You know, I've never wanted kids. Yeah, I know, big surprise, right? I don't know what even happened...