006 [AUDIO]

[testgasm]

[Hello friends, please enjoy this cheerful British voice. Wheatley sounds especially cheerful today. What could he possibly be so happy about?]

So! I'm pretty sure Rick is--Rick is dead, which is great news, if you knew him. Went down to the bunkers, last I heard, didn't come back. Probably a good indication that he is--that he is, in fact, dead.

[Oh.]

It's all right, it's all right, go ahead, breathe that sigh of relief, no one's--no one's going to judge you, trust me, we all felt the same way about that tosser.

But, uh, if you were friends with him, for some ungodly reason that I can't possibly fathom, I'm, ah. Sorry for your loss. If you didn't know him, well, let's just say you're better off. Good riddance to bad rubbish, if you ask me.

Comments

[testgasm]

I mean, I guess he's okay. Kind of--kind of boring, but if he's good at your class, the, uh. Great. For him.

[golonghorns]

So R.O.B. is borin', Rick was an Asshole. You're a hard guy to please, huh?

[testgasm]

No, I mean, it's not my fault, that they're like that.

[golonghorns]

Just like it's not their fault that you seem like... I dunno. Kind of a snob? All things considered.

[testgasm]

If you really knew Rick, which I'm sure you--sure you didn't, you'd understand what I was talking about.

[golonghorns]

Only talked to him once. He was talking about shooting the hair off an elk with a knife gun or some nonsense like that.

He was amusin', at least.

[testgasm]

Yes, so it's really no surprise he wandered off and got himself killed. I suppose amusing is one way to put it.

[golonghorns]

How the heck could he wander off to begin with? Last I saw of him he was a big metal ball. I had to stick him back in his tree.

[testgasm]

Oh, well, he can turn human. Or could, I suppose. Did you not know that?

[golonghorns]

Wait, hold on a second. Robots can become Human too?

It's hard enough to believe that animals and other.... creatures can do it. How's somethin' that ain't even organic going to manage becoming Human?

[testgasm]

Uh, yeah, we do it all the time.

[Isn't that comforting!]

There's a program in the library that lets us do it, just had to--just downloaded it, and now we can do it whenever we want.

[golonghorns]

OK, I'm calling bullshit on that one. There's no way a computer program could allow something made out've metal and wiring turn into a Human Being. That's just crazy.

[testgasm]

Do you want to see?

[golonghorns]

Yeah. Go on and show me.

[Because he's assuming that you can't, Wheatly.]

[testgasm]

[Ok here we go it's video time now. There is a robot guy adjusting the webcam with his cold metal hands.

Wheatley steps back from the camera to make sure Joel has a good look and then

AND THEN

there is a big puff of smoke.]

[testgasm]

[Now there is this naked ginger dude where the robot used to be.]

Ha!

[golonghorns]

...

[So there are two explanations for this that he can see. One is that the guy he is now looking at used some kind of smoke bomb before shoving his robot aside and taking center stage in the webcam feed. This is clearly the more plausible option and the one that makes Joel feel the most comfortable. The second option is that holy shit robots can turn into people. This is madness. But he's been wrong before in this world. Several times.]

Alright. You got me. Neat trick.

[testgasm]

Just goes to show you, right?

[He puts his hands on his hips. He's still incredibly naked, please enjoy his ginger dong.]

I don't do it--do it often, though. It's sort of uncomfortable, as you might imagine.

[golonghorns]

You, uh. You got any pants?

[He won't. He won't enjoy that ginger dong. Not gonna happen.]

It's uncomfortable? I guess feeling anything at all must be a pretty... novel experience.

[testgasm]

Uh.

[Hang on, he's looking around.]

Not...here, at the moment, no. And, I mean, it's not really novel anymore, but I don't think fluids will ever stop being unpleasant.

[golonghorns]

Unpleasant how? Drinking them or.... uh. Un-drinking them?

[testgasm]

I mean all you humans do is--is produce fluids. That's what I mean.

[golonghorns]

We do other things. Plenty of other things.

[...well OK. Producing fluids was a standard mainstay of being a Human Being. He really couldn't fault Wheatly for that observation.]

There must be something you like about being a flesh and blood creature instead of a robot.

[testgasm]

[He doesn't even have to think about this one.]

Pizza. And thumbs. Good invention, thumbs, but now I've got a chassis with thumbs, so I guess the only good thing is being able to eat pizza.

[golonghorns]

You got good taste. You can't really go wrong with pizza.

Oh, and thumbs, I guess. I'm partial to mine.