::A panicked looking man who needs to shave and who has more hair in dreadlocks than should be humanly possible appears on screen.::

WHY AM I IN ANOTHER SCHOOL? NAEGS, 'HINA, KIRI, TOGES, KAWA, DUDES, HELP. I DON'T WANT TO KILL ANYBODY. I DON'T UNDERSTAND. THERE WAS A GIANT HAND. IS THAT MONOHAND? I THOUGHT I WAS DONE WITH SCHOOL FOREVER, DUDE.

::The panic slightly subsides. He at least stops yelling things into the microphone, goodness.::

Help me. Somebody help me. I already went to high school twice. I'm twenty-two, dude. I don't need this in my life. DESPAIR IS MORE SCHOOL. At least I can breathe the air alright. And nobody's wearin' a Monokuma mask. Wwwwwwwhhhhhhhyyyyyyyy?

::He starts hiccuping. They're terror hiccups.::

SMASH ACADEMY! I GIVE YOU MY GREETINGS!

[The young man, centered in the camera frame, uniform freshly pressed, gives a sharp, deep bow. He fixes his audience with as piercing and earnest a gaze as he can manage.]

My name is Hajime Tanaka, and I have arrived here to provide moral and spiritual support to those of you residing here! You have faced brutal trials! You've been burdened with heart-rending struggles! However this may exhaust your mind, body, or spirit, I hope you may take my words as genuine: I am here to support you! Henceforth, none of your conflicts need be faced on your own. I am here to be used if needed! Simply call on me, and I'll be there!

[Just an instant's hesitation, a flash of discomfort. He can't believe he has to say this out loud, but he will. For the school. A deep breath:]

LET'S GO, FLAMING HOBOS!