BLOOD FOR BLOOD FALCON [video]

[bloodvile]

[Lo! Somewhere in the library is some student of Smash Academy at the public computers, making a post to the network and probably asking about homecoming dance or something. Somewhere in the library off screen there is a barking voice, obviously annoyed and sounds suspiciously like Captain Falcon.]

Keep it down with your stupid video diary, I'm trying to think!

[S-Sorry, coach! The kid says, then goes on to timidly explain that it's not a video diary, but a post to the school's network! The kid looks back at the recording video apologetically while "coach" can be heard muttering off-screen.]

Network? For the school? So everyone can see what you're doing right now?

[...Yeah? This appears to have sealed the nameless student's fate, and suddenly there is the torso of a man in bright red spandex with ridiculous thighs behind him. The kid is grabbed by the scruff of his shirt collar and violently thrown clear across the room into a bookshelf. The shelf teeters backwards then falls into the next shelf behind it, and then the one behind it, and it's a magnificent domino effect to which does not seem to concern him. If anything he seems proud of the fact there are now books are everywhere and the kid probably has a word concussion. Red spandex coach-sound-alike sits down in front of the computer. He is also a coach-look-alike! Only EVIL LOOKING. It's probably skull on his helmet and the spikes on his shoulder pauldron. Or maybe Falcon is going through some midlife crisis and felt like a wardrobe change and got lost in a Hot Topic. Or it's some crazy clone.]

Hi. [Either way, this coach also has fangs, which are easily seen the moment he starts speaking.]

I know you're here. I saw the your shitmobile in the parking lot. Or, you know, was in the parking lot. [He grins. It's an awful fang-filled kind of grin. WHAT DID HE DO... HE DID SOMETHING BAD.] And the big floating hand said so. I'm going to find you eventually, so why don't you make this easy and come out of hiding. I'm not going anywhere until then!

Comments

[video]

[ihateplumbers]

::10 second-long video of a giant lizard man staring into the camera; the look on his face is some strange admixture of shock and joy and mingled horror.::

[bloodvile]

[That is an incredibly amazing face the giant lizard thing is making. That takes some talent. Blood just must be so fascinating to stare at. Or maybe his face is broken. Or maybe it want to be broken.]

What?!

[ihateplumbers]

::He smiles a beautiful smile.::

Are you Captain Falcon's evil twin? Or are you Captain Falcon from a universe where Captain Falcon is evil?

[bloodvile]

[Blood makes the dangerous decision of giving those questions an actual second of thought and the brief questioning of his existential existence has him staring back blankly.

...It's very short lived though because that is not something he wants to think about when he could be doing more productive things like killing Captain Falcon.]

I'm my own man and I'm going to kill him.

[ihateplumbers]

Is it my birthday? Is it Christmas already?

[bloodvile]

[It takes blood a second before he makes an assumption, throwing his head back and laughing an evil laugh. He doesn't know this lizard thing at all but if he's smiling a beautiful smile at his proclamation of killing Falcon then that's something they have in common.]

Don't be coy. Tell me you hate him too.

[ihateplumbers]

::Bowser shakes his head in the affirmative.::

Of course I do. Who wouldn't hate him? He's a pretentious jackass who still can't let go of the fact that maybe my children kidnapped his girlfriend and then I imprisoned her in a terrarium like four years ago.

[bloodvile]

[...that sentence. is one of the most amazing sentences he has ever heard uttered from the lips of a giant lizard thing.]

[bloodvile]

[...PFFFGH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!]

[bloodvile]

[holy shit hold the phone there's a lot of good dirt in that one sentence, where does he even start-- the kidnapping? lizard guy is a bad guy dad? the amazing thing they did to-- oh my god....]

HE HAS A GIRLFRIEND?!

[ihateplumbers]

Yes, a blonde named Samus. Knowing her, she's probably going to watch this video later on, because she can't let go of things either.

::He shakes his head in disappointment.::

That's bad for you, Samsam, you need to learn how to move on. This obsession you have is bad for your health.

[bloodvile]

[This is amazing news. Dougie dearest has a girlfriend. Blood has decided is going to go harass her later and then he's going to brag about it to this lizard guy because he sounds like he understands the deeply embedded need to be an evil asshole.]

They sound fucking perfect for each other. I can't believe it! She must be hideous and desperate to like someone like him.

Bowser is the worst and I'm sorry (not really)

[ihateplumbers]

Oh, they are. She has an obsession with loser guys who look good in bodysuits. She used to date a man who spent a lot of time in cardboard boxes. She and Captain Chickenshit really hit it off. An entire world full of more attractive, more powerful men, and she picks that jackass. She has terrible taste.

::Bowser looks sort of grumpy now for some reason.::

[bloodvile]

[Blood may be super self absorbed and not exactly quality dating material but testosterone speaks on many levels. SOMEONE SEEMS JELLY.]

Oh? Maybe I'll go pay her a visit myself, then.

[ihateplumbers]

She will likely try to shoot you in the face with a gun.

Multiple times. While screaming things at you.

[bloodvile]

If you can imprison her in a terrarium then I can definitely take her on.

[ihateplumbers]

Well at the time she was 6 inches tall, because my children tricked her into eating a magical cupcake or cookie or something. Some sort of magical baked good. She's much less of a threat at six inches.

[bloodvile]

[This guy...]

So if you know magic, can you do teleporting and stuff?

[ihateplumbers]

I have magikoopas to do most of my magic for me, but I can do some things on my own. My... what do you call Kamek anyway... ::Bowser muses for a moment:: Head Lackey? Babysitter? Ancient Windbag? Whatever. Kamek's a wizard; he does what I tell him to.

[bloodvile]

It's something I could sorta do with Black Shadow but [I'M NOT VERY GOOD AT IT ON MY OWN] he's not really around anymore.

[He's in racing hell, that's where.]

[ihateplumbers]

Is that, like, your partner or a magical pet or an underling or something?

[bloodvile]

[MASTER is probably the most accurate word but Blood's not apt to use that in this situation when talking to a fellow evil bad guy peer and wants to sound COOL.]

More like my boss? Or a dad? Badad? He's racer number thirty.

[ihateplumbers]

::Oh, you're a Koopaling.::

So basically I'm like your boss-slash-father and you're like one of my children, is what you're saying.

::You're probably the Lemmy.::

I don't really follow F-zero racing. Captain Douchewad is in it, so I make sure to not care. I only do go-kart racing, myself.

[bloodvile]

[NO COMMENT... (maybe yes)]

Hey! You should care because I'm in it too. I'm racer number twenty-five! I drive the Blood Hawk.

Way better than a go-kart.

[ihateplumbers]

I also ride on motorcycles and ATVs.