smashacademy | [004E - Audio/Video]

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[004E - Audio/Video] - Report #3

[Sitting prim and proper, Eirika has one arm upon her desk. Her room looks... surprisingly barren. Well, half of it anyway. The half that isn't hers.]

Things have grown quiet. The space may be greater for me and something akin to home, yet I feel no sense of joy from it.

[In short, she misses Lyra.
Glancing aside momentarily, her posture straightens again.]

I require some information for my personal station.

I would like to know some more about the authoritative position differences between this academy and the town. I am also quite curious as to whether they should be treated as two separate provinces, or if one authority has a hierarchy above the other.

Where I come from, it is an age of monarchies. I would imagine coming to learn about the differences here would provide to me a better understanding of how to effectively lead my own people.

[Boopa boop. I am a filter.]
Madame Flurrie.
If you wouldn't be adverse to it, I would appreciate some moments of your time.

At your convenience, naturally.
[Boopa boop. Guess the filter's done.]

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Tell me something.

[Well he can talk about one thing now.]

...Does it concern you who governs who?

[She eyes him for a good deal of time, simply stares at him. As if she's trying to understand what he's actually getting at.]

A little, yes. Look at the circumstance. You can't tell me that you don't want to know. What exactly do you think I'm trying to do?

[You guys really are from two different worlds...maybe that would be more evident here.]

Your stance on hierarchy and monarchy...Not that I doubt your ability to govern and govern well. You care a lot about your people. These...are very good qualities.

But if a place is governed by its people, does it matter to you if there is a hierarchy and a monarchy or not?

[In other words, he's curious to hear your views on democracy.]

Except neither the town nor the academy are governed by its people.

[But she understands what he's getting at. There's a clear hesitance, however. She hasn't forgotten what he's said before and Connor's made it quite obvious that he's not really fond of kings and queens.

Makes her wonder how he can feel anything for her at all. She's precisely what he's not interested in. At least in terms of political guidance.]

Regardless if people are to govern themselves, then it would only be logical that some appointed above them to hear their thoughts and appropriately convey what would be the best for the majority. Subjective, yes, but it isn't possible to please everyone.

Without a form of guidance, I could not believe people to be so strong or disciplined to lead themselves freely.

[She pauses.]

Yet I am a princess - to be a queen - from a monarch. I can only speak with the knowledge of what I was groomed to do.

[Worry not.

There may have been a time which Connor could refute that and just say she was wrong.

But, for one? She wasn't really turning down the people, she just believed in someone to express their voice. Which...admittedly was not something Connor could completely turn down. The people after all, chose Washington. And in the end of everything, Connor wasn't willing to let Washington retire after the war. He should lead during war and peace.

Wasn't that what Eirika basically said then?

Lead, not oppress. The road to freedom and peace, and not a peace from controlling how they see fit...That was what Connor wanted. He seemed to be relatively pleased with what he heard, and gave a somewhat approving bow of the head.]

You seem to realize with such a power comes with responsibility. That your people have a voice that should be listened to. They have power, and they may require guidance...but not from one who feeds on the power given to them...

[If anything, she feels slightly annoyed. He's trying to be reassuring, or so it seems. But the way he says it makes it seem like he'd made prior assumptions of her. Not that she can expect anything else from him, because they've not exactly talked about how Eirika plans on governing Renais once it's been restored.

Or during the war efforts.

She raises an eyebrow as she listens to him and tips her head.]

I understand you have no great fondness for royalty, Connor, but I would never mistreat my people. I can have no kingdom if my people cannot trust me. If they cannot look at me and feel inspired. My efforts are to bring them pride, prosperity, and providence.

I do not need tyranny to sway them to my causes.

What is your reason for asking me of this?

[99% of the time, Connor keeps his filter on. But he kept not realizing often anymore how silly he might have sounded in front of her.]

I ask not because I think you are any of the sort.

Before I came here, I had thought too ill of the monarchies. Someone who became so power hungry as to start a war across the seas. The very man ignited a revolution that cost lives of the hundreds. Or thousands.

I only ask to understand where you stand within your kingdom and your thoughts of what it means to be of royal blood. I had no intention of sounding like I was judging you.

You can judge me as you'd like. I suppose that is your right.

[Because he seems to do it without realising it. Or maybe she's just feeling incredibly defensive. Or perhaps it's something to do with keeping him at arm's length.

But to be fair, she feels like she can go an inch too far and begin getting rude. And that isn't something she sincerely wants to do.]

What it means to be of royal blood...

It is my honour and my privilege to be the princess of Renais. I take my propriety seriously, how I carry myself, how I portray myself. Not only for my benefit, but because what I say and what I do not only reflects on me, it reflects on my brother, my people, my late father and mother, and the whole of Magvel. I owe it to all of them to represent appropriately.

I do not judge you. I had not done anything of the sort.

[He senses she was getting on the defensive. In his eyes, she had no reason to and hardly understood even why she was. He thought he made it clear he thought Eirika had the heart of a good leader. What was she trying to prove then? Connor started seeing "Princess Eirika" again and not "Eirika".]

Your notions are pure. Once you represent your people and everything your country is, I think that makes a good leader. My mere understanding of your stance of what a monarchy means is only what I had sought.

[She relaxes slightly. And it comes to her own realisation that it's not really him making her so defensive. It's her questioning her own ability. Still. She isn't the queen Innes knows her as. She doesn't know how to become that person. Doesn't think she can with things as they are currently.

But that is noble trouble. Not a burden for Connor to carry. Not on top of his own. So she keeps them to herself.]

I always thought a monarch was supposed to protect the people, to make the decisions that were required. But I know that it isn't how all people interpret it. And I've... known of unrighteous nobility.

[Her head tilts as she eyes him.]

Did... that help you at all? In understanding me?

[Connor can't say he liked the concept of a monarch. But politically, Eirika's logic was sound. Nothing truly negative really came out of her mouth, or anything he can disagree with.

People change. Lands change.

America changed when they felt threatened by the king. And all sorts of events broke loose. And eventually, a government was formed and kicked Connor to the curb.

He had been proven of some things, and yet he still fought. For what? To keep the peace. Fight for freedom. Resist the throwbacks. Because no one else would.]

...Yes, yes it has.

[He looked down.

He honestly for a second thought that if Eirika had been the ruler...maybe war wouldn't have happened. But thinking that way is pointless. Completely. He was foolish to even go there.]

I had wished to know because of my lack of knowledge on the lives of monarchs. I really had not asked because I feel you any less a leader.

[He said that already. He repeated, if only to have her see that he really meant that.]

I know not all feel the same. But I suppose I feel better knowing there are those who do not wish for power and control. Even if it could be few.

No. I know that.

[Eirika draws in a deep breath as she watches him. Her heart wants to lodge itself into her throat. Feelings are hard, aren't they? Facing them, voicing them. Everything about them is complicated.]

I wasn't...

[Lifting her hands, she pulls them over her face after a deep breath.]

It's not your doing, Connor. I know that. You are not responsible for me questioning myself or my position.

[A part of him is. Not that he'd know it.]

I...
I think I would feel better - foolishly - with your company. If I may be so bold to say as much.

[Ghhk. Well that was quite bold. Made him shut up for a few seconds and stare. He mentally cleared his throat and took the weight he felt off.]

I know you will lead your people to greatness.

[She interprets that as a 'no.'
How... delightfully humiliating.

His words, however, inspire more of the crown than the woman and her posture straightens.]

It is the only option. It must be done. I will ensure that it is. It can be no other way.

...

[And he was too quick to change his mind on it. And well...good job.

But what can he do? Can he...? Can he change his mind back?]

I can...only wish to help to make you feel the confidence to do so.

[...Shit.]

If my...company is of meaning to you, that makes it worth it.

Your company is always of meaning to me. How in the name of the Everlasting do you not understand that?

[Eirika frowns at him sharply.]

How have you not put that together yet? Does what I say or do mean nothing to you? Am I not obvious enough? Must I spell it out so articulately for you? How many times have I-

[And now she looks downright agitated. Lifting her hands in mock surrender, she shakes her head at him.]

Never mind. Forget it. Thank you for your well wishes of my people. I am sure it will work out in some fashion.

Edited 2013-08-01 02:49 (UTC)

[And then.

Shame.

Pure shame. Why did that face come up? It just did. Purest of shame. Guilt.

As Eirika blew up, he said nothing. Went stone quiet. Like a stone, if thrown at him, would shatter his face.

Because maybe internally, he understood all of that. Every bit. And tried to not show his own fear he felt in his very soul, but instead...shown that very strong sense of shame.

He can't say anything. He knew he was wrong. Completely. He felt he was.

Saying he was sorry would maybe insult her. So he looked sadly at the monitor before he suddenly felt like he should look sad at the desk.]

You can be angry...You have the right to be.

[The words came out like needles in his ribcage, he said it soft.]

[She grits her teeth as she hears him. He has to look that way and sound that way and it's practically like driving a dagger into her heart. Like he twists it back and forth intentionally. And she knows he's not, which makes it worse.]

Don't act so... so understanding! Don't make it seem like you're doing it intentionally!

[She should stop. She should. In any other situation, maybe she would. Why is this one so different? Because a part of her really does want to lay it out. As if to say, 'This is what's here. This is what's going on. This is why things are the way they are.'

And that is Eirika without the crown.]

If you were just upfront about what you want, if you would just stop pulling me back and forth, I wouldn't question myself as much as I do. If you could just tell me what you want I wouldn't have to guess. I wouldn't have to worry about if I should be honest or if I should say nothing. If I should just distance myself. If I should welcome you.

I don't... know what to do anymore. Because whatever direction I'm taking, I'm evidently doing something wrong. I can't talk to you about my feelings because it puts you off. I can't show you my feelings because you shut me out. How am I supposed to put aside my crown when you make me feel like my... being a... simple woman isn't good?

[That's a lot she's said. A lot she's held in. A lot of frustration. A lot of her heart. A lot of her confusion. But it was likely inevitable.]

[And then...]

...

[That was too much. Too much for him to handle. To piece together. Because he didn't understand. He didn't know what he want. He wanted her company. He felt kicked. But he dug that himself. That wasn't Eirika's fault at all. Having it spelled out made him feel...like...Faulted.

It was his. He took it that way.

All his fault. He felt like he did hurt her now. And he can't hide his shame anymore.]

I never wanted...that sort of turmoil for you.

I cannot...

[...]

...I cannot convey to the extent of warmth and welcome you have given me. I do not like seeing you so frustrated but you are right to...I have been a fool. To the extent of which, I do not know how to say...

But I feel...like I have wronged so much. I am...sorry.

[It...

She's not sure she's had any such thing quiet her so quickly. She thinks over what he has to say. Doesn't have any other option, really.

Sitting back, she remains silent, trying to figure out where to go from here. She's poured almost everything out of herself. Almost. Not quite. There are still things bothering her.

Then she shakes her head.]

No. The responsibility is not entirely yours, Connor. You were not wrong when you were frustrated with me. I shut you out as much as you... may have done the same. You trusted me. You trust me. And you've always tried to earn mine. And it... isn't as though you don't have it.

[She hates seeing him look that way. Knowing it's because of her.]

I tried to distance myself thinking I could conveniently put aside my feelings regarding you, Connor. I thought if I did that, that it might be easier for you, or for me. But if I said anything like that, I doubt you would have let me. You wouldn't just... let me do that. The same as you won't let me hide things anymore. You always... know.

[Eirika sighs.]

We shouldn't have to fight every time we're trying to be honest with each other. We should... I don't know. Let's... just...

I don't want to do this anymore. No more hiding. No more holding this inside. I don't want to fight with you anymore. I don't want to argue with you. I don't want to pretend I dislike you. I don't want to act like I... don't feel anything for you anymore.

[Connor didn't know...anything.

He didn't know how to say. He didn't know how to convey.

Anything.

He just.

He sprang up. Leaving the feed on on accident.

Moments later, a knock on her door.]

[First interpretation was not good. She angered him that much? Eirika could believe it. Another collection of moments that she almost instantaneously regretted. She... really disliked how everything made her feel. She could have focused well enough on simple war efforts and getting back to Magvel. Opening her heart - opening her mouth - proved only to be...

Troublesome.

The knock rendered from her an immediate pause. She knew who it was, of course. Taking her time in shutting off her video feed, it was more at a snail's pace that she stopped at her door. Pressing her hand flat against it, she made no effort to open it just yet.

What would he say? What would he do? Not knowing made dread take a great hold of her. Emotional hurting was still hurting, even if it wasn't done with steel.

Leaning against the door, she hesitated a few moments longer, and then the realisation was that she shouldn't keep him waiting. So when she finally did open it, it was only slightly, enough for her to look around the edge at his boots. And there was really no way to hide the concern in her eyes. If she'd not been open with him before, then surely her expression was.]

[He really did fly over here too fast. He had no plan either. He just...brashfully bolted here. It was stupid. In any way, Connor was thankful it was only her here. Just so maybe he didn't make himself to be any more of a fool than he already felt.

Her taking her time made him stop all processes. Mind and body. The few moments it took for her to open the door felt like a few years.

When it opened, his heart stopped.

It was...slight. She couldn't open the door for him. He could barely make out the very edge of her teal hair.

She was suffering. Because of him.

He was telling himself that now.

He caused someone he cared about a lot of pain. It mattered too much to him. Maybe that was why he came, if she was mad...then she can be mad to his face. Get it all out of her. But what can he do. Nothing felt the same anymore. It felt worse. He wished he knew what to do, what to say...He pressed his hand on the door and lowered his head. Dead quiet.]

Edited 2013-08-01 14:39 (UTC)

[She... almost preferred him getting angry with her as opposed to his silence. His actions made him obvious, however. And his expression, too.

She was still hiding. Even after everything she'd said, she was still trying to... what, exactly? Keep herself safe? From Connor? Never mind that she was beginning to get the idea that he'd have few issues smacking some people aside for her protection. And 'smacking' was a term she used lightly.

Eirika still didn't know what she was thinking. Aside from her insides being terrified to the point where she thought she might wretch. (And she hoped she didn't, of course.)]

Uhm.

[It was a brilliant way to begin, really. Except not.

She did end up opening her door more for him. At least enough that he could see her and no sooner had she, did she almost immediately begin preening herself. Dusting herself off, straightening her tunic, fixing her hair. Not that anything was out of place. Just... that she was nervous.]

I'm sorry.

[004E - Audio/Video] - Report #3

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