Eirika, Princess of Renais (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
heartofarapier) wrote in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png)
smashacademy2013-07-30 12:23 am
heartofarapier) wrote in smashacademy2013-07-30 12:23 am
[004E - Audio/Video] - Report #3
[Sitting prim and proper, Eirika has one arm upon her desk. Her room looks... surprisingly barren. Well, half of it anyway. The half that isn't hers.]
Things have grown quiet. The space may be greater for me and something akin to home, yet I feel no sense of joy from it.
[In short, she misses Lyra.
Glancing aside momentarily, her posture straightens again.]
I require some information for my personal station.
I would like to know some more about the authoritative position differences between this academy and the town. I am also quite curious as to whether they should be treated as two separate provinces, or if one authority has a hierarchy above the other.
Where I come from, it is an age of monarchies. I would imagine coming to learn about the differences here would provide to me a better understanding of how to effectively lead my own people.
[Boopa boop. I am a filter.]
Madame Flurrie.
If you wouldn't be adverse to it, I would appreciate some moments of your time.
At your convenience, naturally.
[Boopa boop. Guess the filter's done.]
Things have grown quiet. The space may be greater for me and something akin to home, yet I feel no sense of joy from it.
[In short, she misses Lyra.
Glancing aside momentarily, her posture straightens again.]
I require some information for my personal station.
I would like to know some more about the authoritative position differences between this academy and the town. I am also quite curious as to whether they should be treated as two separate provinces, or if one authority has a hierarchy above the other.
Where I come from, it is an age of monarchies. I would imagine coming to learn about the differences here would provide to me a better understanding of how to effectively lead my own people.
[Boopa boop. I am a filter.]
Madame Flurrie.
If you wouldn't be adverse to it, I would appreciate some moments of your time.
At your convenience, naturally.
[Boopa boop. Guess the filter's done.]
Video
[Eirika frowns at him sharply.]
How have you not put that together yet? Does what I say or do mean nothing to you? Am I not obvious enough? Must I spell it out so articulately for you? How many times have I-
[And now she looks downright agitated. Lifting her hands in mock surrender, she shakes her head at him.]
Never mind. Forget it. Thank you for your well wishes of my people. I am sure it will work out in some fashion.
Video
Shame.
Pure shame. Why did that face come up? It just did. Purest of shame. Guilt.
As Eirika blew up, he said nothing. Went stone quiet. Like a stone, if thrown at him, would shatter his face.
Because maybe internally, he understood all of that. Every bit. And tried to not show his own fear he felt in his very soul, but instead...shown that very strong sense of shame.
He can't say anything. He knew he was wrong. Completely. He felt he was.
Saying he was sorry would maybe insult her. So he looked sadly at the monitor before he suddenly felt like he should look sad at the desk.]
You can be angry...You have the right to be.
[The words came out like needles in his ribcage, he said it soft.]
Video
Don't act so... so understanding! Don't make it seem like you're doing it intentionally!
[She should stop. She should. In any other situation, maybe she would. Why is this one so different? Because a part of her really does want to lay it out. As if to say, 'This is what's here. This is what's going on. This is why things are the way they are.'
And that is Eirika without the crown.]
If you were just upfront about what you want, if you would just stop pulling me back and forth, I wouldn't question myself as much as I do. If you could just tell me what you want I wouldn't have to guess. I wouldn't have to worry about if I should be honest or if I should say nothing. If I should just distance myself. If I should welcome you.
I don't... know what to do anymore. Because whatever direction I'm taking, I'm evidently doing something wrong. I can't talk to you about my feelings because it puts you off. I can't show you my feelings because you shut me out. How am I supposed to put aside my crown when you make me feel like my... being a... simple woman isn't good?
[That's a lot she's said. A lot she's held in. A lot of frustration. A lot of her heart. A lot of her confusion. But it was likely inevitable.]
Video
...
[That was too much. Too much for him to handle. To piece together. Because he didn't understand. He didn't know what he want. He wanted her company. He felt kicked. But he dug that himself. That wasn't Eirika's fault at all. Having it spelled out made him feel...like...Faulted.
It was his. He took it that way.
All his fault. He felt like he did hurt her now. And he can't hide his shame anymore.]
I never wanted...that sort of turmoil for you.
I cannot...
[...]
...I cannot convey to the extent of warmth and welcome you have given me. I do not like seeing you so frustrated but you are right to...I have been a fool. To the extent of which, I do not know how to say...
But I feel...like I have wronged so much. I am...sorry.
Video
She's not sure she's had any such thing quiet her so quickly. She thinks over what he has to say. Doesn't have any other option, really.
Sitting back, she remains silent, trying to figure out where to go from here. She's poured almost everything out of herself. Almost. Not quite. There are still things bothering her.
Then she shakes her head.]
No. The responsibility is not entirely yours, Connor. You were not wrong when you were frustrated with me. I shut you out as much as you... may have done the same. You trusted me. You trust me. And you've always tried to earn mine. And it... isn't as though you don't have it.
[She hates seeing him look that way. Knowing it's because of her.]
I tried to distance myself thinking I could conveniently put aside my feelings regarding you, Connor. I thought if I did that, that it might be easier for you, or for me. But if I said anything like that, I doubt you would have let me. You wouldn't just... let me do that. The same as you won't let me hide things anymore. You always... know.
[Eirika sighs.]
We shouldn't have to fight every time we're trying to be honest with each other. We should... I don't know. Let's... just...
I don't want to do this anymore. No more hiding. No more holding this inside. I don't want to fight with you anymore. I don't want to argue with you. I don't want to pretend I dislike you. I don't want to act like I... don't feel anything for you anymore.
Video...Action
He didn't know how to say. He didn't know how to convey.
Anything.
He just.
He sprang up. Leaving the feed on on accident.
Moments later, a knock on her door.]
Action
Troublesome.
The knock rendered from her an immediate pause. She knew who it was, of course. Taking her time in shutting off her video feed, it was more at a snail's pace that she stopped at her door. Pressing her hand flat against it, she made no effort to open it just yet.
What would he say? What would he do? Not knowing made dread take a great hold of her. Emotional hurting was still hurting, even if it wasn't done with steel.
Leaning against the door, she hesitated a few moments longer, and then the realisation was that she shouldn't keep him waiting. So when she finally did open it, it was only slightly, enough for her to look around the edge at his boots. And there was really no way to hide the concern in her eyes. If she'd not been open with him before, then surely her expression was.]
Action
Her taking her time made him stop all processes. Mind and body. The few moments it took for her to open the door felt like a few years.
When it opened, his heart stopped.
It was...slight. She couldn't open the door for him. He could barely make out the very edge of her teal hair.
She was suffering. Because of him.
He was telling himself that now.
He caused someone he cared about a lot of pain. It mattered too much to him. Maybe that was why he came, if she was mad...then she can be mad to his face. Get it all out of her. But what can he do. Nothing felt the same anymore. It felt worse. He wished he knew what to do, what to say...He pressed his hand on the door and lowered his head. Dead quiet.]
Action
She was still hiding. Even after everything she'd said, she was still trying to... what, exactly? Keep herself safe? From Connor? Never mind that she was beginning to get the idea that he'd have few issues smacking some people aside for her protection. And 'smacking' was a term she used lightly.
Eirika still didn't know what she was thinking. Aside from her insides being terrified to the point where she thought she might wretch. (And she hoped she didn't, of course.)]
Uhm.
[It was a brilliant way to begin, really. Except not.
She did end up opening her door more for him. At least enough that he could see her and no sooner had she, did she almost immediately begin preening herself. Dusting herself off, straightening her tunic, fixing her hair. Not that anything was out of place. Just... that she was nervous.]
I'm sorry.
Action
[He was not willing to get away with this. Eirika to get away with this. She didn't have to straighten herself up. Act like she had to take responsibility and put up a royal wall. When Connor was sure he was to blame for that. He had to own up everything now. One way or another. But what...how?]
If you wish to be angry with me, be angry with me. I should be sorry. Not you.
[He looked at her, intensely.]
I cannot sit idly by and see that had not happened. I must...if I must, discover what I must do and how to do it.
I am unsure of how. But I need to do right by you...somehow.
[Word puke.]
Action
[Eirika shook her head at him. Do right by her? What did he think he was? A knight in her service. The features in her face softened and she found herself shaking her head.]
You don't need to do anything like that. All of this...
[She motioned between the two of them.]
...I thought it was cruel that I would grow so invested in you when it isn't my right. Anything I've said to you today has been very selfish of me. For me to get frustrated and be so contradicting. I wish I could take it back.
My heart hurts when you look so upset. More so because I am the one, of all people, to have you endure that way. I fear it isn't you who needs to do anything for me, but rather that it is likely to be the other way around.
Action
[Connor removed his hand from the door frame, disapproving that last few statements. It was bad enough that he felt he did something terrible...but for Eirika to act so...he didn't have words for it.
It just felt WRONG.
While not exactly angry or insulted yet, he did in fact show a slight impatience.]
...Your right should be to say what you need without feeling like you have committed some crime for doing so. You may be of royalty, but that by no means should mean you need to apologize and call yourself selfish when you might be rightfully angry. You should be no less a person for feeling anger.
I will not accept that from you. Neither should you.
Action
Looking aside, she wondered how to accept his words. How to respond, more or less. It was complicated. So much more complicated then he ever could have known. To see something she couldn't ever had simply because of her position. It made her heart ache even more admitting it to herself.
A life with you, I could see myself being happy. But it's a life that is only a dream and not something that can be real.]
I... don't think you understand how royalty works.
[Her expression softened and she even smiled a bit. Looking back to him, her head tipped.]
You understand that my title will always be a part of me, I assume. So wouldn't you think it silly that I'm willingly putting off finding a way to Magvel simply so I can be with you for a little while longer? I think it's very silly on my part. Wanting something that I cannot have. Willing to fight for something that will not come to fruition.
It's... very sad. On my part. I wonder what I expect of you, or if I expect anything at all. I don't think I ever have. I should be pleased enough just to have your presence in my life, regardless of how short or long it is. That is, in earnest how I feel about myself. Yet I would like it if I could not think like that.
Action
[Oh...okay, he got it. Sort of. Ignoring the royalty thing. It's obvious he gave no shits.
It was obvious now anyway that...they were not just friends. Or close.
There was something else pulling here. Something Connor just...He can't...Can't. He said to himself he just can't deal with it. He shouldn't be allowed to deal with it. Whatever it is. Because Connor was denying what it was. WHATEVER IT WAS.
He almost exploded. He made a face before calming down. After all, he...had stopped trying to come home because the things here were stopping here.
To be frank then, the thought of not being around his mother after so long...scared him.
Wait.
He took a deep breath before he tried speaking.]
...You say your time here is fleeting and yet...you keep telling yourself "no" over and over. Until you feel it to be true.
[He looked at her harder.]
Perhaps it is true that we are to eventually be needed at our respected places. I once thought above no else I should be home, still fighting.
[His heart hurt...to admit this now. This would be the real first time he said such a thing to this extent about this place.]
Yet my time here is not over, I have much to do here now. Fights I must take part here. People I must meet. Certain things need to be resolved. Things I must learn.
Much I must learn...much...
...Leaving here now, would be premature. I cannot leave as it stands now.
[He crossed his arms, for no reason really except he's now a bit uncomfortable.]
Thinking your time here as long or short too much will drive you mad. So...so I believe. We are...here now, correct?
Action
The way he looked at her...
Eirika wasn't sure she... liked it. She didn't know how she felt, actually. She wanted to say she did. But rather than to think about that, she chose to focus more on the rest of what he had to say.
Connor. Always selfless. Always doing things for everyone else. Getting so wrapped up in her own feelings when there were more important things going on made her feel a little worse. He had a good point. Other things required her attention. Which... meant she could put her heart on hold.
If she was any kind of decent person, she would.]
Ah... Yes. That we are.
[Fingering her chin, she wondered what else she could possibly say. Foolish princess, indeed.]
I do imagine that the people here will benefit a great deal from your presence, Connor. You are what they need, I think. Someone willing to take initiative and fight on their behalf. You are rather capable.
[It really was a lot easier to talk about him than her. She'd probably said enough about herself to last a few years between them.]
Action
...The people here need you too. Someone so passionate about the safety of those around them can only do so much good to make this place a peaceful one.
[Saying everything but "I NEED YOU" pretty much. But hell if he will say that. Or at least like this.]
I can only do what I believe is right, and to help.
Action
Yes. I understand.
[She had her own plan. She had her own aim as to what she meant to accomplish. And she had her own prerogative, she supposed. Getting through it would likely mean some kind of freedom, and if she was going to be honest, freedom sounded really nice.
Freedom of the academy. Shadow certainly wasn't wrong.]
I will do what is necessary.