smashacademy | Max has a thing to say [speech-to-text generated]

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Max has a thing to say [speech-to-text generated]

Hey, so did you know that they make powdered alcohol?

They do.

Did you know that it sort of looks like protein powder if you ain't paying attention?

It does.

Did you know that in all the explosions and monsters and everything that I found some and thought it was protein powder and made a shake for myself and drank it down real fast and then after I drank it realize it was booze?

Because that happened.

I just. I just need to tell you all that I believe in you and that we're gonna get through this and me and Slowpoke are gonna be here for you and we love you and I got this really great idea for a giant gun that Slowpoke I love you too you're real great and the. The. Thing. I love the thing. Tanks. I love tanks. And workin' out. And THESE GUNS, YOOOOOO! I love tanks and working out and these guns and Slowpoke. And you.

How do I unwrite this? Unwrite. Unwrite. Unwrite. It doesn't post if I say post

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I really love tanks too, I've actually built quite a few.

But you should probably really look into getting some rest. Maybe a meal and something to drink, non-alcoholic, before bed...

Oh wow you built tanks that's great do you

Wow you're really green? Wow, how'd you get so green? You don't sound green.

Yes, yes I do...

O-oh, well... t-that would be because I'm a half-orc...

What's a half orc? What's a full orc? What's the other half? I don't. I don't know what that is. Help me out. Am I supposed to know what an orc is?

O-oh, well... An orc's a race, big, bulky strong and fierce and well... green. My other half is elven.

And n-no I guess you're not really supposed to know? I don't know.

Oh that sounds fun. Being big and strong. I'm pretty blue. My hair. So maybe being green is like that. Lots of colors. Sure are lots of colors in the world, yup.

Yes... yes there are.

By the by, would... do you need any help there? Maybe some coffee?

Coffee dehydrates, can't drink that now. What I need is. Water. And steaks. A fine collection of steaks. And water.

I can bring you some water, and I don't mind cooking up some quick steak tips if you'd like?

Sonny's got the steak. All the steak. The water. Maybe you can bring that? Water.

I can do that, just let me know where you'll be at and I can bring some water.

I'm in my room. The room I live in. It's got my stuff in it. Just look for my stuff and you'll find me.

Oh, ah... sure that makes sense. Well, what room is it? I mean, I can search but it'd probably be faster if I know where to go.

Oh no, Max! You're pretty drunk, huh?

First of all, though! I love you too!

Secondly, I'm going to bring you some nice, greasy pizza and some bread rolls and a biiiig bottle of juice, OK? Because I think you need something to help you sleep. It's going to be OK!

No Sonny. Sonny, listen, Sonny, those things have too many carbs, Sonny.

Sonny.

Sonny.

Sonny.

I need the protein, Sonny. The protein. You need to get me. The protein. Sonny.

Sonny.

The protein, Sonny.

I've heard that carbs help absorb alcohol and make your hangover better! So, today it's going to be some carbs, Max. But I can meet you half way - meatlover's pizza and I have a salami I'll let you eat if you finish the bread too, OK? Just a little bit of bread!

[He's in full Mother Hen mode right now.]

No Sonny. Sonny I can't eat that junk, Sonny. Sonny, you gotta. Sonny you gotta get me the protein. Just, you know, a pile of steaks the size of... the size of your head. Get me a pile of steaks the size of your beautiful, beautiful head. Sonny, I believe in you. Slowpoke... slowpoke believes in... everyone.

Max? Aren't you... um... what if that makes you throw up?

I mean, I'll be there to help you and everything. But wouldn't it be better to worry less about your macros and more about your health for just one night?

Sonny.

Sonny.

Sonny.

I know what's best for me. And what's best for me is a pile of steaks the size of your head. That's what's best for me, Sonny. You can do it, Sonny. You can get the steaks. The steaks for me. You can get them. I believe in you.

Max, if I get you a pile of steaks the size of my head and I cook them for you and serve them to you, can you do me a favor and at least eat a liiiiiittle bit of bread? Not much! Juuuuust a little bit? And drink a nice big glass of water? Would that be OK? If you can do that for me I promise that I'll squat extra reps on leg day, OK? Lots more.

Nope, no bread.

I'll eat a baked sweet potato. How's that? Sweet potato. The orange. They're orange. The orange potatoes. I'm from Orange Star. Orange Star Potato. One Baked Orange Star Potato.

[Oh Max you are impossible.]

Ohhhhh-kaaaaaaay. Max, I really wish you would just eat some bread because I think that's going to help your head not hurt tomorrow but I'm not going to argue about it with you. I'll come to your dorm in probably a half hour with some steaks and one orange sweet potato, alright? But try to drink some water before I get there, OK?

Do you need me to bring you anything else, Max?

Slowpoke needs some. He needs some. Treats. Get him some treats. The man needs some treats. Get him the thing he needs. Some treats. Slowpoke treats. Some kinda fish? Treats.

I have some tuna snacks I could bring for him? The kind with the mayonnaise? You put it on bread or crackers? Also, sour Pokéblocks and Poffins.

Snacks? The man needs. The whole tuna. Get the fish. The. The whole fish.

I don't have a whole fish, though? I mean... I guess I can go to the grocery store and get you a whole fish and some extra steaks...

That's kind of a lot of walking though. If I do that will you eat some bread?

BREAD IS FOR BULKING SEASON. I AM NOT BULKING. SO, NO BREAD.

Maaa~~~~~~~aaax. Fine. No bread.

I'll walk all the way to the grocery store to buy you a whole fish to feed to your Pokémon then I'll come to your dorm and cook you a pile of steaks the size of your head and I'll stay there to help you in case your stomach decides it doesn't like those steaks as much as you do.

Jesus. Drunk on milkshakes.

That's actually kind've funny.

Look, you've done right by me. You need anythin', just let me know. I got plenty of buckets handy and a lot've bottled water.

No it ain't a milkshake it's. It's the. It's. Well. I guess alcohol milk. Drunk on alcohol milk. Lotta alcohol milk. I drink big shakes. I'm a big man. I got big needs. Big. Alcohol milk. For this guy.

Surprised that didn't taste awful goin' down. I'll drink Baileys or whatever when it's all that's there.... but a giant glass of milkohol sounds pretty foul, man.

How many protein shakes have you drank in your life? Because I've drank at least.

At least.

A million.

At least one million protein shakes.

And sometimes a protein shake can taste like shit.

It's true. Some of them.

Nope. I don't drink that stuff. If I'm going t'drink milk, I just drink it as is.

You need any black coffee? Good for what ails you.

Coffee dehydrates the body. You know that. This ain't the time to dehydrate my body. It needs. The good stuff. It's clear. You know, you drink it. The stuff. You drink. It's clear. You swim in it. The stuff. It's wet. You know. That thing.

The word you're looking for is obviously vodka.

Yeah, vodka. You got the vodka?

As a matter of fact, I do have some vodka.

You sure you should be drinkin' more, though?

Why not? Why is vodka bad for me? It's the bath stuff, right? Yeah? I need the vodka for baths.

You may be thinking of water.

[Apparently drunk Max was not capable of... jokes. Or did he really just not know what vodka was? Or was Orange Star some strange version of Russia where the two words were the same.]

So you basically drank alcohol paste.

How... How are you not dead, exactly?

[No, really. He's as curious about this as he is weirded out.]

It ain't paste... it's just a little thick is all. Regular protein shake thick. Just, you know. It's booze instead. Took awhile to get it to dissolve. The blender helped. It's. It's a good blender. Real good blender.

It'll take more than an alcohol milk to kill me, Gourd. Lots more than an alcohol milk. I'm. I'm like a fuckin' tank. Me. Max. Tank. Max. Mank. Tax. Max.

[He... just called him "Gourd." As in a term of endearment. Christ, he really IS drunk.]

You really are a mank, Tax--gh, tank, Max. In a small sophomoric way 'm actually a little jealous. Just do me a favor, and get that water and rest that everyone's talking about. You'll be back in the gym that much faster if you do.

[And he's less likely to climb into his favorite tank and try to literally shoot the moon that way.]

...You, uh, need anything, by the way? I can send the drone out to get it for you, assuming I can get it around the city. Food? Gun mags? Steven Segal movies? You know, whatever.

Gordo, listen. Haha, I'm supposed to make other guys jealous. That's. That's what I do. It's what I do. I'm really good at that. I got arms the size of most guys' chests. It's. It's what I do.

Sonny said he was getting me some food. What's a Steven Segal? What's he do? What's he made of?

You don't know who Steven Seg--

[O-oh yeah. He isn't from Earth, but another world that happens to have militaries that are disquietingly like the ones in his.]

He's an... actor. Made a lot of movies that you'd enjoy, I think. In fact, I'm sending the drone out with a couple of movie discs. You can watch them while you recover.

[And as promised, Max will get an Amazon-like delivery at his door with a cluster of discs raided from the library. Enjoy your over the top Earth-in-the-80's action and explosion fest, big guy.]

::several minutes pass::

Gordo, a space robot just tried to attack me at my door. Don't worry I hit it with a punch before it could set off its payload, sent it probably like a thousand miles away. Look out for those things. You. You probably can't punch as good as me.

[HIS BEAUTIFUL SEVERAL-THOUSAND-DOLLAR MILITARY DRONE!]

GGHNGH...

...Thanks. I'll watch out for 'em.

Yeah be careful. They're real. Tricky. Sneak up on you. At your door. Look out for them, Gord.

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Max has a thing to say [speech-to-text generated]

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