tank_rockarms (
tank_rockarms) wrote in
smashacademy2015-10-25 01:27 am
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Max has a thing to say [speech-to-text generated]
Hey, so did you know that they make powdered alcohol?
They do.
Did you know that it sort of looks like protein powder if you ain't paying attention?
It does.
Did you know that in all the explosions and monsters and everything that I found some and thought it was protein powder and made a shake for myself and drank it down real fast and then after I drank it realize it was booze?
Because that happened.
I just. I just need to tell you all that I believe in you and that we're gonna get through this and me and Slowpoke are gonna be here for you and we love you and I got this really great idea for a giant gun that Slowpoke I love you too you're real great and the. The. Thing. I love the thing. Tanks. I love tanks. And workin' out. And THESE GUNS, YOOOOOO! I love tanks and working out and these guns and Slowpoke. And you.
How do I unwrite this? Unwrite. Unwrite. Unwrite. It doesn't post if I say post
They do.
Did you know that it sort of looks like protein powder if you ain't paying attention?
It does.
Did you know that in all the explosions and monsters and everything that I found some and thought it was protein powder and made a shake for myself and drank it down real fast and then after I drank it realize it was booze?
Because that happened.
I just. I just need to tell you all that I believe in you and that we're gonna get through this and me and Slowpoke are gonna be here for you and we love you and I got this really great idea for a giant gun that Slowpoke I love you too you're real great and the. The. Thing. I love the thing. Tanks. I love tanks. And workin' out. And THESE GUNS, YOOOOOO! I love tanks and working out and these guns and Slowpoke. And you.
How do I unwrite this? Unwrite. Unwrite. Unwrite. It doesn't post if I say post
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But you should probably really look into getting some rest. Maybe a meal and something to drink, non-alcoholic, before bed...
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Wow you're really green? Wow, how'd you get so green? You don't sound green.
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O-oh, well... t-that would be because I'm a half-orc...
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And n-no I guess you're not really supposed to know? I don't know.
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By the by, would... do you need any help there? Maybe some coffee?
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First of all, though! I love you too!
Secondly, I'm going to bring you some nice, greasy pizza and some bread rolls and a biiiig bottle of juice, OK? Because I think you need something to help you sleep. It's going to be OK!
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Sonny.
Sonny.
Sonny.
I need the protein, Sonny. The protein. You need to get me. The protein. Sonny.
Sonny.
The protein, Sonny.
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[He's in full Mother Hen mode right now.]
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I mean, I'll be there to help you and everything. But wouldn't it be better to worry less about your macros and more about your health for just one night?
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Sonny.
Sonny.
I know what's best for me. And what's best for me is a pile of steaks the size of your head. That's what's best for me, Sonny. You can do it, Sonny. You can get the steaks. The steaks for me. You can get them. I believe in you.
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I'll eat a baked sweet potato. How's that? Sweet potato. The orange. They're orange. The orange potatoes. I'm from Orange Star. Orange Star Potato. One Baked Orange Star Potato.
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Ohhhhh-kaaaaaaay. Max, I really wish you would just eat some bread because I think that's going to help your head not hurt tomorrow but I'm not going to argue about it with you. I'll come to your dorm in probably a half hour with some steaks and one orange sweet potato, alright? But try to drink some water before I get there, OK?
Do you need me to bring you anything else, Max?
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That's kind of a lot of walking though. If I do that will you eat some bread?
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I'll walk all the way to the grocery store to buy you a whole fish to feed to your Pokémon then I'll come to your dorm and cook you a pile of steaks the size of your head and I'll stay there to help you in case your stomach decides it doesn't like those steaks as much as you do.
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That's actually kind've funny.
Look, you've done right by me. You need anythin', just let me know. I got plenty of buckets handy and a lot've bottled water.
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At least.
A million.
At least one million protein shakes.
And sometimes a protein shake can taste like shit.
It's true. Some of them.
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You need any black coffee? Good for what ails you.
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You sure you should be drinkin' more, though?
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[Apparently drunk Max was not capable of... jokes. Or did he really just not know what vodka was? Or was Orange Star some strange version of Russia where the two words were the same.]
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How... How are you not dead, exactly?
[No, really. He's as curious about this as he is weirded out.]
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It'll take more than an alcohol milk to kill me, Gourd. Lots more than an alcohol milk. I'm. I'm like a fuckin' tank. Me. Max. Tank. Max. Mank. Tax. Max.
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You really are a mank, Tax--gh, tank, Max. In a small sophomoric way 'm actually a little jealous. Just do me a favor, and get that water and rest that everyone's talking about. You'll be back in the gym that much faster if you do.
[And he's less likely to climb into his favorite tank and try to literally shoot the moon that way.]
...You, uh, need anything, by the way? I can send the drone out to get it for you, assuming I can get it around the city. Food? Gun mags? Steven Segal movies? You know, whatever.
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Sonny said he was getting me some food. What's a Steven Segal? What's he do? What's he made of?
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[O-oh yeah. He isn't from Earth, but another world that happens to have militaries that are disquietingly like the ones in his.]
He's an... actor. Made a lot of movies that you'd enjoy, I think. In fact, I'm sending the drone out with a couple of movie discs. You can watch them while you recover.
[And as promised, Max will get an Amazon-like delivery at his door with a cluster of discs raided from the library. Enjoy your over the top Earth-in-the-80's action and explosion fest, big guy.]
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Gordo, a space robot just tried to attack me at my door. Don't worry I hit it with a punch before it could set off its payload, sent it probably like a thousand miles away. Look out for those things. You. You probably can't punch as good as me.
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GGHNGH...
...Thanks. I'll watch out for 'em.
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