Amazing Hagakure Text Post For These Trying Times

[crystal_ballin]

I'm running out of toilet paper and food in the surprisingly big janitor's closet that I locked myself in about three weeks ago, dude. 川o･-･)ﾉ If anyone is alive and can read this, please send more toilet paper and food. There's a toilet in here. ⊃゜Д゜）⊃ Like a secret toilet, dude. It's a really nice janitor's closet. There's a bunch of old videogame systems and a TV in the secret toilet room. But not too nice. Not nice enough that anyone else should stay in here with me. ( •᷄⌓•᷅ )

Please help me not starve, okay thanks, dude. (oﾟ□ﾟ)o Message me back soon to let me know you're alive and can help out. Reduced price fortunetelling for anybody who helps. (•̀ᴗ•́)و ̑̑

Comments

[will_be_god]

this really isn't helping Cyrus's decision to mercy-kill the universe dude

[will_be_god]

ok for real this time

You do not wish for your freedom?

[crystal_ballin]

Listen, dude, the last time the apocalypse happened, I locked myself in a school. As long as you don't also lock the crazy person who caused the end of the world into the school with you, you're good. (^-^)ゝ

[will_be_god]

That will not stand. Rise up, and fight against this catastrophe. Hiding will yield only your end.

[crystal_ballin]

Uh, thanks, but no? 川o･-･)ﾉ

[will_be_god]

Cowardice then. Very well.

[crystal_ballin]

Yup! (๑•̀ㅂ•́)و

[itsjustrats]

what janitor closet is this.

[crystal_ballin]

The one with the secret bathroom? Near... the... part of the school that's still okay? I mean, it'll be locked, right? ?(*´･д･)ﾉ

[itsjustrats]

i think i know where that is.

[A FEW MINUTES LATER, Hagakure will hear the doorknob jiggling as if somebody were trying to unlock it.]

[crystal_ballin]

Wait! Who's there, dude!?!? I don't need anyone coming in, I just need someone to bring me things and, like, leave them outside. I'm fine in here! No need to open the door! It's locked!

[itsjustrats]

[TOO LATE, door is open thanks to handy dandy lockpicks.]

There, now you can get it yourself.

[crystal_ballin]

What, dude, how did you... did you break the lock? Dude??? DUDE?????

::Wow Hagakure is like two seconds away from crying::

[itsjustrats]

[Wow. Wow. Implying Garrett is an amateur. Rude. Wow. I can't even.]

...I picked the lock.

[WOW.]

I hate to break this to you, but locking yourself in a closet isn't gonna save you from the moon crashing into the earth.

[crystal_ballin]

::HOW IS HE SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHAT IT IS THAT YOU DO, GARRETT. IT'S NOT LIKE YOU ARE WEARING A SHIRT THAT SAYS "I AM A MASTER THIEF," GARRETT.::

Dude, now the moon can get in.

::You broke him, Garrett. You broke this poor, poor husk of a man.::

[itsjustrats]

[UM. YEAH. AREN'T YOU LIKE PSYCHIC OR SOMETHING JEEZ.]

...Are you serious right now.

[crystal_ballin]

I don't know?

::At least he's truthful about being an idiot.::

[itsjustrats]

How...big... do you think the moon is, anyway.

[Please don't be as dumb as Garrett thinks you are right now.]

[crystal_ballin]

You think I paid attention to science classes in school, dude? I don't have time for that, I'm a psychic. I don't know, probably, like, way bigger than a bus?

[Withering intent behind this text response.]

[golonghorns]

Hagakure, please make sure you don't do anything useful, like help us clear rubble from places people need to walk or live. I'd hate for you to strain yourself. Also, while you're making a real solid effort to be completely without purpose, you could make sure not to help me tend to Your Chickens which somehow miraculously survived half the school being trampled.

In short, sit tight. You're doing a great job. If you get hungry enough you can probably eat your hair. I bet it's chock full of nutritious flora and fauna.

[ur a dik]

[crystal_ballin]

JOEL SENSEI щ(゜ロ゜щ)

YOU FOUND MY CHICKEN NOTE. ( •̀ᄇ• ́)ﻭ✧

YOU'RE VERY FUNNY, HA HA. (*≧▽≦)ﾉｼ))

HELP GET ME SOME FOOD, DUDE. m(★⊙¬ ㅇ ●)ლ

[The dikest]

[golonghorns]

I did not find your chicken note. I had no idea you wrote me any kind of note. I am taking care of your chickens because you aren't doing it and someone has to.

Also, this may have escaped your notice, but I'm not your Dad. It ain't my job to bring food to your toilet closet. If you want food you have to come out and dig it out of the remains of the school like everyone else.

In short, get your ass out here. There's stuff you need to be doing.

[crystal_ballin]

工ｴｴｪｪ(;╹⌓╹)ｪｪｴｴ工

Joel-sensei! It's too scary to be outside! (ノ´ロ`)ノ

I left you a note about you needing to feed and water the chickens, dude. It's on the back of a piece of wood in your woodshop! ໒(⊙ᴗ⊙)७✎▤

I don't want to leave, dude. Just come bring me some food so I don't die inside instead of dying outside. ( ﾉ ﾟｰﾟ)ﾉ

[golonghorns]

The wood shop room that got entirely demolished during our recent visit with a walking mountain. Good to know.

Boy, I am not bringing you food like some danged butler. Get your dreadlocked ass out of that closet and earn your food like some semblance of a grown man!

[crystal_ballin]

This is the second time the world's ended and I've been in high school, dude.  !!(ﾉ*ﾟДﾟ)ﾉ

Please, dude? Please? P L E A S E ? ԅ[ •́ ﹏├┬┴┬┴

[golonghorns]

I'm sure that's an unfortunate coincidence.

[Probably. Possibly. Maybe Hagakure should just drop out? Maybe that would make the world safe from Armageddon.]

No. I don't care how many times you ask.

Which closet are you in? I'm going to come and get you out and then you can pitch in around here like you should have been doing this whole time. Damnit, Hagakure, I know you can be useful when you want to be. If I thought you were a completely lost cause, I wouldn't bother with you.

[crystal_ballin]

Joel-sensei, I'm scared! [wall]-；)

I just need you to come bring me some food to the one near the... I don't know... the thing? I mean the school's still okay in this part.
✩̋·°✧̥͘*·˚⁺ˈ✩̋·°✧̥͘*·˚⁺ˈ✩̋·°✧̥͘*·˚⁺ˈ✩̋·°✧̥͘*·˚⁺ˈ

[golonghorns]

It's fine to be scared, Hagakure. But you have to do something about it. Hiding ain't the answer. You need to learn to face your problems instead of avoiding them.

The world ended once before and you were in High School then. You survived. And I know for a fact that you actually did alright for yourself.

I'm not bringing food to you. I'm going to come to your janitor's closet and I'm taking the door off its hinges with a hatchet.

You'll thank me later.

[crystal_ballin]

＼＼\ ٩(๑❛ワ❛๑)و //／／
Actually some other guy already unlocked the door and broke it so I can't lock it anymore? So now I don't feel safe in here??? So maybe you can come escort me to somewhere safer?????? Joel-sensei???????????? I'm near the gym.
\ \ \ೕ( ･ㅂ･)و / / /

[Text -> Action.]

[golonghorns]

I'm still taking the door off of its hinges. Just in case.

[He didn't want you finding some way to jury rig the lock back together, Hagakure.

It's a little bit sad that he has that much faith in your ability to do something practical like half assedly fix a lock, isn't it?

And lo, here is Joel Sensei, hatchet in hand, getting ready to take this door off of its hinges once and for all. You can hear the splintering of wood pretty much right away.]]

Re: [Text -> Action.]

[crystal_ballin]

::A voice from beyond the breaking door::

Dude, have you ever felt like Cassandra at the gates of Troy, able to see the future but know that you can do nothing to prevent it, because nobody would ever believe you, but still shrieking out against the coming doom, then seeking sanctuary from the advancing army at the Temple of Athena because it's the end, but knowing, knowing, that the Greeks were coming anyway, no matter what you did? And so all you can do is go to the temple and wait for the city to be pillaged and burned, knowing that the immovable hand of fate has already cast the die?

Re: [Text -> Action.]

[golonghorns]

[Joel's first instinct was to dismiss this as Hagakure's usual drivel. He set the hatchet down and pulled the door the rest of the way off its hinges with a final splintering crackle, setting it against the wall and looking on into Hagakure's toilet closet.]

....no. Can't say as I have.

[He scratched at his beard and shrugged.]

But I've been in plenty of buildings where there's hordes of angry infected tryin' to get in to eat me. And I've thought to myself 'Shit. This is it. This is how I go.' and maybe it ain't what you can do. It ain't supernatural or psychic or even Miss Cleo. But it's a thought. And it's a thought that should, by all accounts, be a prophecy. Because I should be dead now more times'n I can count. But I don't go to the temple and wait. You get me, son? I ain't waiting for anything. I pick up arms. Because even if it's inevitable and even if the die is cast and I can't change anything... even then, I'll make fate work as hard as I can before it gets to pin my hide on its wall.

[crystal_ballin]

Wow, that's really inspiring.

::pause::

I'd still feel better hiding in the closet, though.

::And there's the Hagakure we all know and love.::

[golonghorns]

[Yep. There his is. Right on schedule.]

Unfortunately, you don't get to hide in the closet.

How long have you been without food?

[crystal_ballin]

I dunno, I had a bunch of ramen noodles that lasted a really long time. Probably, like, a day? There's no window in the closet, so I can't see the sun or anything. And I don't trust phones to tell the time -- who knows who could hack into my phone and change the time. So, probably a day.

::It was like four hours.::

[golonghorns]

C'mon. Let's get you fed. Everythin'll look brighter on a full stomach.

[Probably. He had no idea how Hagakure's head worked, but it usually improved his own disposition.]