[audio] Backdated a smidgeon; MERRY UGLY SWEATERMAS

[icequeen_aran]

I hope everyone's made their resolutions already.

[What's that? That's it? No condescending and unsympathetic warning about drinking too much and doing something foolish? Please, she's not going to waste her breath this year.]

I'll have the best view for fireworks tonight. [ROOFTOP HOT TUB AW YEAH.]

---

Is Samus trolling? Is she for serious? Is her otherwise A+ bounty hunter color coordination showing again? I don't care, we're making it a tradition starting now: you're getting ugly sweaters.

Falcon: Gets COUCH CUDDLES. Amany kinds of amany booze. Some difficult-to-acquire module parts for your various robo/mech projects. The most fantastic ugly sweater please turn yourself on fire and rise out of it like a glorious phoenix Also some tsundere sex coupons because we need to burn off Bulba's delicious cookies together.
Megaweapon: GETS A BIG BONE. And a cool new collar because she's a big girl now. And an ugly sweater too. And NO SOCKS. The exact opposite of socks. She gets anti-socks.
Jeff Andonuts: Gets a handwritten letter because mommy misses you and hopes you are doing well and wishes you the best and here is a photogram of Megaweapon look how big she is. Enclosed is also some COLD HARD CASH go buy yourself something nice. Not like the green ugly sweater she also included.
Dachora: birdseed no actually yes some kind of BIRD FOOD but it's FROM SPACE. She took a quick little trip in gunship to acquire some top-quality alien bird snacks. Enjoy that. and an over sized green-and-purple ugly sweater and matching scarf.
Char: You're OF AGE and you're TECHNICALLY FACULTY NOW so that means you can start getting booze from Samus for the holidays, maybe. Enjoy a small bottle of sweet rum +1 'don't be a morons and drink it all at once or stick your tail in the bottle or something' note, and an ugly sweater vest. There's even holes cut out for your big stupid wings.
Snake: Gets a kawaii lighter. She still doesn't entirely condone your dirty habits, by the way, but she figures you'll enjoy it. A bottle of whiskey. Also ugly sweater. Snake skin, mmmm.
Shadow: ALSO GETS STUFF FOR YOUR BIKE. TURTLE WAX and ~dark~ looking tribal decals in black and red ooweeoooo. Also ugly sweater.
Phoenix Wright: Gets A NEW MUG and a bottle of WINE because you look like a lightweight to her. And obligatory blue ugly sweater.
Jin Kisaragi: a bra A bottle of vodka and an ugly sweater.
Adam Jensen: A restraining order against the vending machines. A small bottle of scotch and an ugly sweater. So now you can get your augmented golf on with Rick.
Pit: COOKIES; a giant tin of assorted cookies. And an ugly sweater. Holes cut out for the wings, too.
Gordon Freeman: A small bottle of Bailey's, and an ugly sweater.
Cid Highwind: Wins the faculty member who looks like they could use a drink the most prize. A bottle of brandy. And ugly sweater. Congrats, it's the one that lights up.
Chun Li: Wins the random faculty member who looks like they could also use a drink prize. A bottle of champagne. You get an ugly sweater too.
Bowser: At least three punches to the face. Probably while she's got the bee mushroom going on. They're adorable and painful punches.

Comments

meanwhile back at the firehouse

[raced_god]

[It is New Year's Eve. The hot tub has been warmed to the ideal temperature for sitting out on a roof on a cold dark snowy night. There is a doge already in the hot tub. There are fireworks to be had. There are at least six bottles of champagne, also to be had.

BUT WHERE IS CAPTAIN FALCON???

He arrives fashionably late.

He is wearing

the sweatersuit.]

[icequeen_aran]

[Oh. Oh look at that. He looks absolutely fucking ridiculous in that thing.]

It's the man of the hour.

[A sip with her champagne that she's already gotten a head start on.]

You're not coming in here like that.

[She will kick him out. So fast.]

[raced_god]

[If by ridiculous you mean breathtakingly glorious, then yes.]

I think if I get in the hot tub, this will shrink around me and I'll be trapped in it forever.

[icequeen_aran]

[Nooooo it's ridiculous. And hideous. Ridicuideous.]

I highly doubt that. Considering how easily I go through your shirts and pants.

[That is a smirk. A very smug smirk.]

[raced_god]

[HE LOOKS DOWN

or tries to, this whole outfit is a bit restrictive.]

I dunno, this is some pretty serious knit.

[icequeen_aran]

You underestimate me.

[SIP.]

I'd rip that off in ten seconds.

[raced_god]

Hang on.

[FALCON WADDLES BACK DOWNSTAIRS. When he returns, he has in his hand

a stopwatch.]

I'm ready when you are.

[icequeen_aran]

[Ha ha no he totally didn't--HE DID--HE TOTALLY GOT A STOP WATCH.

But man she doesn't want to get out of the tub. It is nice and warm in here.

She points at him and makes a come hither curl with her finger. Samus slides to the very edge of the hot tub and leans out of it. If she can rip the sweater abomination at least down his chest in under ten seconds. that would be satisfaction enough for her.]

[raced_god]

[It is totally a stop watch and it is totally AT THE READY. He waddles over the hot tub positions himself in front of Samus' WAITING HANDS.]

I'm ready when you are. No cheating.

[icequeen_aran]

[She cracks her knuckles, rising out of the water so she'd be more level with the parts of him that mattered--and the parts that would soon not matter. Her hands slide up his sides, (slowly, appreciating the man underneath for just a few moments) up the gaudy sweater until she reaches his collar. Her hands turn into tight fists as she bunches the edges of the fabric in them.]

Ready.

[AND SHE RIPS IT APART with a mighty herculean show of strength, fabric snapping loudly. The tear surprisingly only goes down a few inches at first and the second rip takes a bit of a struggle, before she opens the sweater up down to just below his belly button, opening up most of his chest. That seemed like a good place to stop.

Then she looks up had him, exhaling as if she'd been holding in her breath. HOW'D SHE DO? She did great, that was like, two seconds, right?]

[raced_god]

[Falcon stops the watch, and looks at it carefully, pausing to consider.]

Five seconds.

[But this is apparently NOT GOOD ENOUGH. Nothing is ever good enough not when hot tubs and sweatersuits and competition is involved.]

But you were supposed to get the whole thing off.

[icequeen_aran]

[Pout!]

You know damn well I could.

[Her eyes narrow challengingly.]

I'd like to see you do better.

[A beat; to clarify a challenge of challenges]

Without your hands.

[raced_god]

Ohhh no. This is your challenge, not mine.

[He has already flossed today, thank you, and does not fancy a mouth full of wool.

Wool that is probably space wool.

That's the only explanation for this atrocity.]

[icequeen_aran]

Do it.

[She's going to egg him on, too bad.]

Do it, I dare you. Give me the stopwatch and we'll see if your abilities can hold a candle to mine.

[raced_god]

[Falcon squints, considering.

Then, he takes a step back

and lights the entirety of his person on fire.

Goodnight, sweet sweatersuit.]

[icequeen_aran]

No...! Wait!

[All too comically, Samus fumbles for the stopwatch, pausing only to watch in awe as he lights up the entirety of the roof top in his glorious falcon flames, a beacon unto all.

Now, a pretty sweatsuitless beacon.

Don't mind her if she just... keeps staring for a little bit. That's fine. Just like that.]

[raced_god]

[But it is too late. Everything is on fire and Falcon is a glorious column of sweatersuit flame.

It is beautiful and smells slightly of burnt nylon.

Eventually, the sweatersuit cannot hold and it falls apart into cinders, glowing hot and red on the ground and Falcon is very naked.]

It was a nice gift.

[icequeen_aran]

[What little remained wafted away gently in the breeze, as if a horrible bastardization of burnt, nylony cherry blossoms.]

It was.

[But this is fine, Samus decided. This is fine as he is very fine, like this.]

You've destroyed my nice gift. I don't think I should let you in the hot tub for that.

[raced_god]

This hot tub is at least fifty percent mine.

[Falcon is already fifty percent in it.]

[raw_angel_power]

[Pit opens his present to find... DAT SWEATER. He is kind of confused because that is the last thing he would expect Samus to get for him, and so, he just sort of rolls around laughing for a long time. Nonetheless, he appreciates it (especially that she was thoughtful enough to include wing holes!) but can't imagine himself wearing it all that often. But he can DEFINITELY find a use for those cookies! Next time he sees her he'll thank her for it.]

[icequeen_aran]

[Good. It was a giant tin.

Enough to feed an army.

Of angels.]

[obfuskate]

[ yessss bike stuff he'll make very good use of these--





... no
fuck that sweater ]

[thewrightidea]

[Oh cool a sweet mug and wine! Phoenix is very happy--

what is that sweater

Phoenix likes to deny that he once wore ugly sweaters]